shan't be taking the plunge
Richard Fowler was a news reporter. Now he is a plumber. Nicola Gillison was a computer systems developer. Now she is a plumber. Richard Nissen was an architect. Now he is a plumber. And for one day last week I was a plumber too - joining all three former white collar workers at their London firm to investigate the peculiar phenomenon of "posh plumbers".
According to media reports, increasing numbers of disenchanted office workers are leaving their jobs to wrestle with incontinent pipework. At the moment the phenomenon seems to be restricted to Britain, but a quick search on the internet reveals that many other countries are also experiencing serious plumber shortages - a key factor behind the spread of posh plumbing.
I was excited by the prospect of swapping the metaphorical position I occupy in the gutter as a journalist, for a real one. I have always fancied plumbing as an alternative career, not least because all the plumbers I have ever met have been extraordinarily happy. Indeed, a recent survey of more than 1,000 workers found that people with a trade, such as hairdressers, plumbers and care workers, were the happiest with their jobs.
Before my day working as an assistant to Staunch and Flow's 36-year-old lead plumber Richard Fowler, I thought about why people might be content fishing used tampons out of toilets.
I came up with the following: 1. They can eat bacon sandwiches for lunch without guilt - the physically demanding nature of their job means they actually need the calories. 2. They do not have to take their work home with them. 3. They solve serious problems for people, which must be very satisfying. 4. They are paid lots, up to ?0,000 a year, according to some reports. 5. People make them mugs of tea wherever they go.
When I arrived for the first job of the day - changing a ball valve in a loft in South London - I discovered yet another reason for their happiness: people are incredibly pleased to see plumbers. The homeowner greeted us as if we were surgeons about to save her only child's life. "Sometimes, people look at you like a film star," remarked Richard as he climbed into the tiny loft. "It really is a great job. When I was a journalist on the Matamata Chronicle in New Zealand, I was working seven days a week and it was much more stressful." He stuck his hand into the water tank and fiddled. "Could you pass me the spanner?" I fumbled in his toolbox and handed over what turned out to be a pair of pliers. "No, the spanner."
I said that I found it hard to believe that he enjoyed plumbing all the time: what about when he was standing bottom-deep in sewage? "The thing is, sewage is not bad at all. It doesn't smell of shit. It smells of sewage." Not understanding the distinction, I looked blank. "I tell you what's worse than sewage: cooking fat. Oh God, cooking fat really stinks when it congeals in pipes." He pinched his nose and, almost throwing up at the thought of it, returned to his work. "Could you pass me the Philip's screwdriver?" Another blind fumble in his toolbox. "No, that's the flat head."
As delightful as Richard was, and as pleasant as the morning turned out to be, I developed misgivings about the suitability of plumbing as a career alternative over the course of the day. The first disappointment was that the bacon sandwich never appeared: lunch, taken with his colleagues, turned out to be hummus on pitta bread with tomatoes. It seems that even plumbers are becoming health-conscious. The second disappointment was Richard's revelation that he often took work home. "Writing up estimates and doing paperwork takes hours," he revealed.
The third let-down came during the second job of the day, fixing a leaking tap for an investment banker in Chelsea. The thing is, as pleased as people are to see plumbers, they don't actually trust them. On being told that we would need to stay in her house after she left for work, the customer complained: "But how will I know that you guys aren't just sitting around doing nothing?" As she left, poor Richard, sweating and exhausted by the past hour's frantic labour, complained: "Sometimes people make you feel like a bloody criminal."
The fourth disappointment: the money is not so good after all. "You'd have to be working 24 hours a day to get ?0,000 a year," explained Richard over lunch. I did not understand: if they are charging ?5 an hour, and work eight hours a day, five days a week, 48 weeks a year, that is a salary of ?24,800, is it not? "Yes, but the thing is, with work like this, you spend two hours getting to places and back. In London you can earn ?0,000 to ?0,000 if you work very hard, but I earn around ?5,000." He took a small bite of his pitta bread. "Could you pass me the olive oil?" I passed a bottle. "Actually, I think that's vinegar."
This was a devastating revelation, but still not the thing that made me finally accept that being a plumber is not the plum deal I had expected. The most distressing moment came when, standing at the top of a ladder during the final job, after a day of handing the wrong tools to Richard, I enquired when we were going to take one of the tea breaks that plumbers are so famous for.
"Actually, we have a company policy of not drinking tea on the job," replied Richard. What?! No tea? But plumbers and mugs of tea go together like chefs and silly hats, City traders and Porsche 911s. It is part of their identity. "Well, you see, plumbers are getting more professional. Think about it: we charge ?5 an hour, and if we have a cup of tea, it could take up to half an hour. That's ?3, you know. Customers don't like it." He scratched his nose. "Could you pass me the ball valve?"
我再也不想当水管工了
理查德?福勒(Richard Fowler)曾是一名新闻记者。如今他成了水管工。尼古拉?吉列森(Nicola Gillison)曾是一名计算机系统开发员。如今她成了水管工。理查德?尼森(Richard Nissen)曾是一名建筑师。如今他也成了水管工。上周某日，我也当了一天水管工，在上述三位前白领的伦敦公司与他们会合，对奇特的“时髦水管工”现象进行调查。
根据媒体报道，有越来越多心灰意冷的办公室工作人员正抛弃自己的职业，撸起袖管给水管抢险。就目前而言，这个现象似乎仅限于英国，但在互联网上略加搜索就可发现，许多国家都存在水管工严重短缺的问题，而这正是“时髦水管工”风潮在英国得以流行的关键因素。
作为一名记者，我本来就被形容为一直在挖掘新闻，如今这种比喻地位有望变成为现实――我将要去挖真正的水沟了，这令我激动。如果我不做记者了，那我就希望成为一名水管工，部分原因是我有生以来遇见的所有水管工都特别高兴的。的确，近期对1000多位劳动者进行的一项调查显示，拥有手艺的人士，如理发师、水管工和护理人员，对自己的工作最为满意。
在我的工作日(我将是Staunch and Flow公司领班水管工理查德?福勒的助手)开始之前，我思索着这样一个问题：为什么从抽水马桶里掏出用过的月经棉塞之类的差使，会让人乐此不疲？
我归纳出下列答案：1. 他们能够吃培根肉三文治作为午餐，而无需产生犯罪感，因为他们的工作要消耗大量体力，他们确实需要那些卡路里。2. 他们不需要把工作带回家。3. 为人们解决严重问题，一定让他们很有成就感。4. 他们的收入不俗；据有些报道说，水管工的年收入可高达9万英镑。5. 无论他们到哪里，人们都会忙着为他们沏茶。
当天的第一项任务是在伦敦南部某处的一个阁楼更换一个球阀。一到那里，我就发现了水管工之所以快乐的又一个原因：人们对水管工的欢迎程度令人难以置信。业主接待我们的殷勤态度，仿佛我们是救死扶伤的外科医生，将要挽救她的独生子女的生命。“有时候，人们把你当作影星一般看待，”理查德在爬进狭小的阁楼时说道。“这实在是一种不错的工作。当我在新西兰担任《马塔马塔记事报》(Matamata Chronicle)的记者时，我一周工作7天，那种工作的压力要大得多。”他把手伸进水箱鼓捣起来。“你把扳手拿给我好吗？”我在他的工具箱里摸索了一番，然后递上了一把钳子。“不，我要的是扳手。”
我说，我感到难以置信的是，他会一成不变地热爱水管工程：假如他站在齐腰深的污水里，他会有何种感觉？“事实上，污水并不那么难闻。污水没有粪便的气味，只是有污水的气味。”我不理解这其中的差异，一脸茫然。“我不妨告诉你哪一样东西比污水还臭：烹调油脂。天哪，在管道里凝结起来的烹调油脂真是奇臭无比。”恶心的记忆几乎让他呕吐，但他捏了一下自己的鼻子，又恢复了手头的工作。“你把飞利普螺丝刀拿给我好吗？”我又在他的工具箱里翻弄了一阵。“不对，那是平头螺丝刀。”
尽管理查德待人亲切，尽管当天早上的经历令人愉快，我却渐渐地对水管工程作为替代职业的合适性产生了疑虑。第一件令我失望的事是：培根肉三文治根本没有出现。大家共进午餐时，我发现理查德的午餐是夹杂了豆泥的皮塔饼(pitta bread)，外加西红柿。看来，连水管工也具备健康意识了。第二件令我失望的事是：理查德透露他常常把工作带回家。“编制估价报告和处理文书工作要花大量时间，”他披露说。
第三件令我失望的事发生在当天的第二项任务中。当时我们要为住在伦敦切尔西(Chelsea)地区的一名投资银行家修理一个漏水的龙头。事实是，人们虽然乐意见到水管工，但他们并不信任工人。在得知我们需要在她上班之后，继续留在她家里工作后，这位顾客不满地说：“那我怎么知道你们这帮人不会闲着，什么事也不做呢？”在她走了之后，理查德抱怨说：“有时候人们让你觉得象是一名罪犯。”此时，可怜的他已经因为忙碌了整整一个小时而满头是汗，筋疲力尽。
第四件令我失望的事：报酬并非那么优厚。“要得到9万英镑的年收入，你必须每天工作24小时，”理查德在午餐时解释说。我对此表示不解：假如他们每小时收费65英镑，每天工作8小时，每周工作5天，每年工作48周，那不是12.48万英镑吗？“不错，但问题是，做这种工作，你一般要在路上花费两个小时来回。在伦敦，假如一名水管工勤奋工作的话，一年可以挣到5万至6万英镑，而我的年收入大约是3.5万英镑。”他啃了一小口皮塔饼。“你把橄榄油递给我好吗？”我递过一个瓶子。“唔，我想那是醋。”
有关收入的实情固然具有摧毁性，但还没有让我最终相信，水管工并不是我所憧憬的美差。最令我苦恼的时刻发生在当天最后一项任务期间。在一整天拿错工具之后，我站在梯子顶端向理查德打听，我们将在什么时候休息，享受尽人皆知的水管工喝茶时间。
“事实上，我们公司的政策是不在工作时喝茶，”理查德答道。什么？！没有茶？可是，水管工的形象与热茶联在一起，有如厨师与他们奇形怪状的帽子，有如伦敦金融城里的经纪人与他们的保时捷911跑车。这可是他们的形象的一部分。“嗯，你要这样看，水管工们正在提高其专业化程度。你想：我们每小时收费65英镑，假如我们停下来喝杯茶，就可能需要停工半个小时。你知道，那就是33英镑。顾客们可不喜欢这样。”他刮了一下鼻子。“你把球阀拿给我好吗？”
