A year of euphemisms, dud gifts and appalling bad taste
As the holiday season is upon us, I would like to gift you with a stocking full of prizes awarded for stupidity and bad taste in business.
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First, though, I want to undertake a spring clean of readers of this column. Judging by the e-mails I get from time to time, certain readers seem not to be suited to the material and would do better to read something else.
In order to carry out this little purge I have planted two phrases in the first sentence that should have slapped you in the face as you read them. If instead you noticed nothing amiss, then I'm afraid I am going to ban you from reading any further, either today or on future Mondays.
This technique for weeding out the wrong sort of reader was inspired by Kelvin MacKenzie, a former editor of The Sun newspaper. Anyone who dared telephone to complain was told they were barred from buying the paper in future.
As a general principle of customer service it has a lot to be said for it. Most consumers are sadly lacking in confidence and so hanker after products that have it in spades. A message that says "if you don't like us, sod off" would surely reach parts that "customer is king" does not.
Having thus sacked all non-like-minded readers, I'm nearly ready to begin the serious business of handing out prizes for stupidity. First, though, I should admit that the judges (which is to say, me) have not been slaving away for a full year choosing winners. In fact, I have only been searching for entries for a week. But so much nonsense crosses my desk in a single day that I am confident that the following are as deserving of prizes as any of the things that I threw away earlier in the year.
So, on to the awards.
*Most pointless and annoying euphemism. The winner is "Happy Holidays!" or anything with either "holiday" or "season" used instead of Christmas (see above). Neither word is suited to this role: holidays are generally taken in the summer, and there are four seasons a year. The reason offices are closed on December 25 is that it is Christmas Day, and if non-Christians are upset by hearing the C-word, they should really try to toughen up a bit.
*Most annoying voicemail message. All voicemail messages are bad, but the message for press inquiries at Microsoft is extra-bad.
An insanely cheerful woman's voice starts off with "Season's Greetings! Welcome to the voicemail attendant!" The use of the word "attendant" is unfortunate given that the whole point of voicemail is that it is (regrettably) unattended. She goes on to say: "This is the rapid response team! Unfortunately we cannot take your call right now . . . "
*Worst e-mail sign-offs. This category has become a lot less competitive recently, as most business e-mails end adequately with a "best wishes" or "regards". The clear winner came from a man who ends all messages with his name followed by this tag: "Agile, Wily, Energetic, Success-Orientated Management Exponent". You might think this were a joke, but the man works for a subsidiary of BT Group and I don't think jokes are part of the corporate culture.
*Most purple job ad. By contrast, the field here was very strong indeed, as it always is. The outstanding winner goes to the Department of Work and Pensions, which is looking for a "Head of Leadership and Talent". "Leadership" and "talent" are pointlessly overused words, and it isn't clear how someone could be head of either. At length it explains about the "Organisational Capability Centre of Excellence" and that the "key role" has "three principle accountabilities" including to "define and deliver the overarching skills strategy". I think the ad might be for head of training, though I wouldn't put money on it.
*Most stupid management course. The most stupid course this year was the one attended by graduates at the Kennedy School at Harvard which had them honk like geese in the name of teamwork - but I have written about that already. Instead I am giving the prize to a Swiss pharmaceuticals company that sent managers to New York on an "accent reductions course".
The training company's motto: "Our mission is to empower and prepare Professionals for the linguistic challenges of the global workspace."
I have no doubt I'd prefer the "before" version complete with irritating Swiss intonation to the linguistically empowered one.
*Worst time-saving idea at Christmas. There is a clear winner here: buying presents online. I have been seduced by the apparently effortless way that you can do your Christmas shopping without leaving your desk but I have discovered there is a downside.
Actually there are three. You don't save any time as you have to wait at home to have the presents delivered. They tend not to be nearly as nice as you thought they were, so you either sigh and give them anyway or queue at the post office to send them back, and then go to the shops after all.
*Best noun as verb. There are lots of contenders here: to task, to lunch and many more. Worse than all is "to gift" (see above). Even so this only gets my second prize. First prize is won by "to re-gift". Which is what the recipients of the dud gifts I've bought online will do with them.
细数今年商业的蠢人蠢事
在
节日来临之际，我想把大家的袜子都“礼物”得满满的，礼物就是颁发给企业的“愚蠢和品位低劣奖”。
但是首先，我得对本专栏读者进行一次彻底大扫除。从我不时收到的电子邮件来看，这里的材料对有些读者可能不合适。建议他们最好去看别的内容。
为了开展这项计划中的小清洗，我在本文第一段里放了两个词，这对各位应该有振聋发聩之效吧。倘若你没有看出什么差错，那恐怕我要禁止你接着往下读今日的专栏，而且从今往后，要永远禁止你读本专栏了。
这种淘汰不当读者的技巧，是受凯尔文?麦肯奇（Kelvin MacKenzie）的启发。麦肯奇是《太阳报》（The Sun）前总编。若是有人敢打电话投诉，他的对策是告诉它们，禁止他们将来再买《太阳报》。
作为一项客户服务原则，此法颇可称道。很遗憾，很多消费者信心不足，所以会渴求信心很高的产品。明确告诉他们“如果你不喜欢我们，请滚开”，必然会接触到另外一群人――“客户为王”这类信息无法影响到他们。
把一些思路不合的读者给排除后，现在差不多可以言归正传，开始颁发“愚蠢奖”了。不过我首先得承认，评委（亦即本人）并没有忙碌一整年来挑选获奖者。事实上，我搜索各奖项得主只花了一星期时间。我每天办公桌上来来往往这么多废话，我相信，本年度以前我所扔掉的东西中，肯定有一些和以下项目一样值得颁奖。
好，现在我们来颁奖：
■最无聊最讨厌的委婉语奖。获奖者是“节日快乐！”(Happy Holidays)，或者其它不说圣诞节而标榜“节日”（holidays）、“季节”(Season)的说法（参见本文开头）。这两个词语都担负不了它们所承担的角色。Holidays一般用来指暑假这种假日，season是指一年的四季。12月25日之所以办公场所多关门，正因为它是圣诞节。如果非基督徒对“圣诞”一词反感，他们真应该坚强一点才是。
■最讨厌的语音留言。所有的语音留言都不好，但是微软公司的新闻发布查询留言更是糟糕透顶。留言中，一个有些癫狂欢悦的女声开始说：“向您致以节日问候！语音助理欢迎您。”“助理”一词真是要多不合时宜就多不合时宜，因为语音信箱本质上不正是因为没有专人提供助理吗（这当然也很遗憾）。那个女声接着又说：“这里是快速回应团队！遗憾的是，我们暂时不能接听您的电话。”
■最糟糕的电子邮件落款。最近关于该奖项的竞争弱多了，因为大多数商业邮件落款是只用“祝万事如意”、“此致敬礼”之类四平八稳的说法。当之无愧的获奖者是一个在自己名字后追加“敏捷灵活、深谋远虑、精力充沛、以成功为导向的管理倡导者”。你或许会以为这是个笑话，可是写此邮件的人在电信公司英国电信集团（BT）一子公司任职，我想该企业文化并不包含玩笑。
■最为华而不实的招聘广告。与上述情况相反，此奖项竞争和往常一样激烈。脱颖而出的获奖者是英国劳务和退休金部(Department of Work and Pensions)。该部要招聘“领导力与人才主管”。“领导力”和“人才”这两个词语本来就毫无意义，且滥用成灾，我们很难想象谁能够去做“领导力”或者“人才”的主管。此广告还详尽解释了“卓越组织能力中心”，又介绍说这一“关键角色”包含“三项主要责任”， 包括“界定并实施总体技能战略”。我想此广告可能是要招培训主管，不过我不会为此下赌注。
■最愚蠢的管理课程。本年度最愚蠢的管理课程是哈佛大学肯尼迪商学院研究生参加的一门课程。这些研究生在课程上学大雁叫，并美其名曰“团队合作”。不过这一课程我以前在专栏中写过了。因此，我想把此奖项授给某瑞士制药公司。该公司派其经理去纽约，去参加一门“减少口音课程”。
该培训公司的口号是：“我们的使命，是向职业人士授能，让他们做好充分准备，应对全球化职场的语言挑战。”
毫无疑问，我宁可听培训前的语音版本，宁可听一口讨厌的瑞士腔英语，也不愿意听这经过语言授能的英语。
■最糟糕的圣诞节节约时间方案。有一个获奖者应当是无可非议：在网上买礼物。我以前还受到引诱，以为可以不出家门，坐在桌子前就能轻松完成圣诞采购，但是我后来发现，这也有坏处。
事实上有三大坏处。你一点时间都没有节省，因为你得在家里等候礼物寄过来。送来的礼物根本就没有你预想的那么好，因此你要么签字把它收下，硬是送出去；要么就到邮局排队退货，然后还得去商店购买。
■名词当动词用的做法。参赛者很多，如“任务”（to task）、“午饭”（to lunch）等很多。位居此类用法之首的是“礼物”（如本文前面的用法）。但是我给这样的用法也只能颁发二等奖。头等奖是“再礼物”（ re-gift）。我从网上购买的无用礼物一旦送人，收礼者要做的，可能就是这种“再礼物”了。
