Pushy Parents Turn Online
To Set Up Grown Children
Parents have a new ally in their quest for grandchildren: online dating sites.
More moms are pestering their single adult children to log on for love, especially when they've exhausted networks for setting their kids up. While some parents are just nagging, others are footing the bill by paying the membership fee or buying gift certificates. In extreme cases, some moms are putting up profiles and contacting their kids' potential mates themselves.
Liza Stone was furious a year and a half ago when her mom suggested she try online dating. Her family had a history of meddling in her love life, culminating in a lousy blind date with her grandfather's doctor, whom her parents barely knew. After that, the 26-year-old media planner says, "I told them they weren't allowed to fix me up with anybody else."
But following a month of motherly pushing, Liza joined Jdate (
www.jdate.com) and quickly met Scott Bronstein, the man who would become her fiancé. (Mr. Bronstein says his mom also pushed him to go online.) "My mom takes full credit for that fact that Scott and I are getting married," says Ms. Stone, who lives in Chicago. Their wedding is planned for this June.
Mom Linda Stone, 55, says she was inspired by a friends' son who met his bride online, and now suggests online dating to other parents -- though she says her friends' children haven't been as lucky as her daughter to meet someone so quickly.
Mary Axtell was even more active with her daughter. The Scotland-born 54-year-old from Onalaska, Wash., says she didn't like the men her daughter, Julie, was dating and was also tired of her "moaning" that she wasn't going to meet anyone special. So she set up a profile for her daughter on InterActiveCorp's Match.com, and messaged just one guy, alias "imafishinnut," who she thought would be a good match. "Everything in his profile was like reading about my daugher," Ms. Axtell says, as both "imafishinnut" and her daugher enjoyed the outdoors and sports.
While her daughter was shocked to return home from a trip and find out what her mother was up to -- "I was like, 'what?' " Julie remembers saying -- she started e-mailing with the man, Michael Poe. That moved on to phone calls, and then real dates. Now, they're married. "I thank my mom every day," says Julie Poe, a 29-year-old living in Indian Head, Md.
The interest in online dating comes as many parents worry that the old ways of meeting potential husbands and wives aren't working anymore. Many children are moving away from home for school and careers and often delaying marriage and families. According to the Commerce Department's Census Bureau, between 1970 and 2000, the median age at first marriage for women increased to 25.1 from 20.8, and for men, to 26.8 from 23.2.
While parents do still try to fix their offspring up, they often are doing it from afar, with less chance to judge the potential mates themselves, says Norval Glenn, a sociology professor at the University of Texas who specializes in family sociology. That's why they turn to the Internet for help.
"I think parents don't see any other alternative ... that is better for getting their offspring connected," says Prof. Glenn.
Dating sites say they've seen more parents paying for their kids. EHarmony.com Inc. launched gift certificates last week, citing strong interest from parents looking to buy their children subscriptions.
EHarmony now offers gift certificates for people who want to play matchmaker.
MingleMatch Inc. of Provo, Utah, which runs targeted sites, says it has registered parents who are joining for children, especially on its sites for Muslims and Indians, and began offering gift certificates on its sites about a year ago. Meanwhile, JDate, a unit of MatchNet PLC of Los Angeles, says a growing number of parents have been calling in to purchase subscriptions for their children, and the site plans to offer a formal gift program by the end of the year.
To be sure, some parents are still concerned with safety online or still don't know what online dating is. But many hear stories of friends' children and their unmarried friends: According to Jupiter Research, singles over 55 browsed online dating sites just as much as those 18 to 24 in 2003. In all, about 37% of online singles visited online dating sites last year, according to Jupiter, though the percentage who paid for subscriptions or went on dates is far lower.
Shirley Sklar, a 65-year-old in Stamford, Conn., says she and her girlfriends talk about online dating "all the time" now when the topic of their single adult children comes up. "It just seems like every day I hear of someone who met that way," she says.
Two months ago, Ms. Sklar learned about a friends' son who was featured on GreatBoyfriends.com, and Ms. Sklar printed out a copy of the site for her daughter, Ellen. The younger Ms. Sklar, 44, says she didn't sign up for GreatBoyfriends, but after two years of "nagging" from her mother, she joined rival site eHarmony (
www.eharmony.com) earlier this year.
Merle Koerner, a 56 year old psychotherapist from Jupiter, Fla., who met her husband on a blind date in college, says times have changed. "Online dating has become the surrogate family member, the old matchmaker," she says.
When Ms. Koerner's daughter moved to New York last June, she told her mom how difficult it was to meet men. Ms. Koerner tried to set up her up with friends' and acquaintances' sons in New York, but so far "it doesn't click." The reason, according to Ms. Koerner, is it's hard to trust what people say about their sons.
So Ms. Koerner nudged her daughter, Alissa, to also try online dating. That seemed silly to the 24-year-old, who says she "wasn't going to drop $75 for three months to meet someone" -- adding she was busy moving and focusing on her new job as an assistant to a literary agent. Her mother, however, didn't give up, mentioning online dating a couple more times in passing over the summer, even offering to pay.
The persistence worked. The younger Ms. Koerner signed up Labor Day weekend, with her parents footing the bill -- and recently began paying for the subscription herself. But though she browses the profiles and occasionally communicates with guys she's yet to go on a second date with someone she met online. She says her mom is still on her back: "My mom hates the picture in my profile. She thinks I'll get more responses if I change it."
Sometimes, parents go too far. Jdate spokeswoman Gail Laguna remembers one panicked call from a young women a few months ago, whose mother had set up a profile for her.
"You've got to help me, my mother is insane. She's sending e-mails to people. Somebody stop her," Ms. Laguna recalls the woman saying. JDate took down the profile.
网上媒人帮家长了心愿
如今在美国，做父母的又多了一个帮他们延续香火的地方：那就是交友网站。
越来越多的家长们缠著早已长大成人的子女尝试网上交友，特别是当他们托遍了熟人也没能帮孩子物色到合适的对象时。虽然一些父母只是在嘴上唠叨，可另一些已开始行动，替子女支付交友网站的会员费，或是购买礼券。某些行为极端的母亲们还在网站上张贴子女的个人简介，亲自帮他们联系潜在的约会对象。
一年半前，当莉莎?斯通(Liza Stone)的母亲建议她试试网上约会时，她恼火至极。斯通一家向来喜欢对莉莎的感情生活指手画脚，连祖父的医生也荒唐地成了一次盲目约会的对象，那时莉莎的父母也稀里糊涂的。此事发生后，这位身为媒体策划的26岁的姑娘表示：“我告诉他们今后不许再安排我去相亲了。”
但是，在母亲催促了一个月之后，莉莎成了Jdate网站(
www.jdate.com)的会员，并很快结识了将成为她未婚夫的斯格特?布朗斯坦(Scott Bronstein)。（布朗斯坦说他母亲也催著自己上网交友。）“斯格特和我打算结婚，这全是我母亲的功劳，”莉莎说。她目前居住在芝加哥。他们的婚礼计划在今年6月举行。
莉莎的母亲琳达?斯通(Linda Stone)现年55岁。她表示，让女儿上网的主意是受了一位朋友的儿子的启发，因为后者是在网上遇到了现在的新娘。如今，琳达还向其他家长推荐网上交友，不过她说朋友们的孩子可没像莉莎那么幸运，能那么快找到意中人。
玛丽?阿斯特尔(Mary Axtell)则更积极地帮女儿找对象。现年54岁的她出生于苏格兰，现居住在华盛顿州。阿斯特尔太太说，她不喜欢女儿朱莉原先的男友，而且女儿还总抱怨没碰上白马王子，这也让她很烦恼。于是，阿斯特尔太太在InterActiveCorp的网站Match.com上刊登了朱莉的个人介绍，还认识了一个化名为'imafishinnut'的青年，她觉得两人很般配。“他的具体情况与朱莉简直一模一样”，阿斯特尔太太说，因为“imafishinnut”与她女儿都喜欢户外生活和运动。
虽然旅行归来的朱莉对母亲的所做所为感到震惊，她还是与这个名叫迈克尔?波(Michael Poe)的年轻人通过电子邮件交往了起来，接著就是电话，然后面对面地交往。如今，他们已经结婚了。“我天天都感谢妈妈，”朱莉说。29岁的她目前住在马里兰州。
对于网上交友的兴趣是在许多家长感到老式的相亲方式不再起作用的情况下应运而生的。子女们如今都离家读书或是工作，因此往往结婚较晚。根据美国商务部人口普查局(Commerce Department's Census Bureau)的统计，在1970年至2000年间，美国女性的平均初婚年龄从20.8岁上升至25.1岁，而男性的平均初婚年龄从23.2岁上升至26.8岁。
在德克萨斯大学(University of Texas)专攻家庭社会学的社会学教授诺弗尔?格伦(Norval Glenn)指出，虽然家长们仍试图安排子女的婚事，如今的手法却更隐蔽了，常常不再越俎代庖，替孩子们挑选未来的伴侣。这就是他们向互联网寻找帮助的原因。
“我认为家长们别无选择……那是个让孩子们结认的好去处，”格伦说。
交友网站则表示，它们早就发现许多家长帮子女交纳会员费。EHarmony.com Inc.上周称，由于家长们强烈希望帮子女入会，公司决定推出优惠礼券。
犹他州经营专门网站的MingleMatch Inc.声称，已有家长为子女进行注册的，特别是那些针对穆斯林和印度人的网站。该公司在一年前左右就开始在网上推出优惠礼券。与此同时，作为洛杉矶MatchNet PLC的子公司，JDate也表示，越来越多的家长打电话进来为子女注册，因此公司打算在今年年底推出正式的优惠举措。
当然，一些家长对网上交友的安全性仍有疑虑，或是根本不知道网上交友是怎么回事。但是，许多人都听说朋友们的孩子或未婚朋友们的故事。根据Jupiter Research的调查，在2003年，55岁以上的单身人士光顾交友网站的频率与那些18岁至24岁的年轻人相当。总体来看，去年大约有37%的单身网民访问过交友网站，虽然付费参与的比率要小得多。
康涅狄格州的65岁的雪莉?斯克拉(Shirley Sklar)说，随著子女一天天长大，她和她的女友们如今“常常”谈论网上约会。“我好像每天都听说有人是通过网络认识的，”她说。
两个月前，斯克拉太太得知一位朋友的儿子上了GreatBoyfriends.com，于是她打印了一份该网站的介绍给女儿埃伦看。44岁的埃伦说，自己没有在GreatBoyfriends上注册，但经不住母亲两年的“唠叨”，她最终在今年年初加入了另一家交友网站eHarmony (
www.eharmony.com)。
56岁的默尔?柯纳(Merle Koerner)是佛罗里达州的精神治疗医师。她是在大学里的一次盲目约会中遇到现在的丈夫的，不过她说时代不同了。“网上交友已成了家庭一分子，取代了老式的媒人，”柯纳说。
当柯纳太太的女儿在去年6月搬到纽约时，她告诉母亲找个男友真难。于是柯纳太太让女儿与自己的朋友及熟人的儿子见面，但到目前为止“没什么结果”。柯纳太太把原因归咎于难以相信对方家长的描述。
因此，柯纳太太怂恿女儿艾丽萨(Alissa)尝试网上交友，这对24岁的姑娘来说似乎有些傻。艾丽萨说自己“不打算花75美元在3个月里结交异性”。她还补充说，自己正忙于适应新的工作，她的新工作是作家经纪人助理。但她母亲并不气馁，在去年夏天多次提到网上交友，甚至提出支付费用。
坚持终于有了回报。艾丽萨在去年劳工节的周末在网上注册了，钱是母亲掏的，不过后来艾丽萨开始交钱了。尽管艾丽萨浏览了网上的个人介绍，偶尔还进行联系，她还没有与网上碰到的人进行第二次约会。她说母亲依然支持自己：“我母亲对我的个人介绍里的相片很不满意。她觉得如果换张照片，就会有更多的人与我联系。”
在有些情况下，家长们走得太远。Jdate的发言人盖尔?拉格纳(Gail Laguna)还记得几个月前一个女孩慌慌张张地打电话来，因为她母亲在网上张贴了她的个人介绍。
“你得帮帮我，我母亲简直疯了。她还向别人发送电子邮件。得有人阻止她，”拉格纳记得女孩这么说。JDate后来撤下了那份个人简介。
