How to steer clear of those holiday rocks
Most people return to the office after the Christmas break to find their in-trays gratifyingly empty and the phones eerily silent. By contrast, divorce lawyers are snowed under with work as soon as they walk through the door.
ADVERTISEMENT
My matrimonial practice has yet to find an answer machine tape long enough to cope with the mountain of messages left by desperate-sounding spouses for whom the festive season has proved the antithesis of peace on earth and family harmony.
My busiest months are September, at the end of the school summer holidays, and January, following the Christmas and New Year break.
This might seem strange on the face of it, but dig a little deeper and you discover that holidays are not what they say on the tin. Far from bringing couples closer together, they can often serve to drive them apart, notably those unused to spending long stretches of time together because of their separate, high-powered careers.
The soft-focus view of Christmas is of tinsel, toys and family togetherness - singing carols round the tree, toasting chestnuts on the fire and feasting on mouth-watering, home-cooked food. Yet this sentimental view often bearslittle resemblance to the reality. Quite apart from the families already fractured by divorce, many people find Christmas an oppressive time, fraught with tension and false expectation. The strain of catering for agaggle of relatives, the long, dark hours spent cooped up in the house and the children's inevitable bickering over presents can lead toan explosion of pent-upemotions.
I have a theory, borne out by 25 years in the divorce business, that Christmas is often the least festive of seasons because men and women approach it in very different, and incompatible, ways. Women - especially those who work full-time - exhaust themselves trying to emulate the glossy magazine image of the perfect Yuletide. Driven by guilt, they run themselves ragged trying to live up to the hype, forgetting, or simply ignoring, the fact that it's supposed to be a holiday.
Men, on the other hand, have no problems thinking of it as a holiday. They arrive home on December 23, glowing with anticipation of the 10-day snooze in thearmchair to come.
Forget Jamie Oliver's tips on how to dish up theperfect roast turkey, it is these contrary approaches that are the perfect recipe for disaster.
My job as a divorcelawyer, not to mention my personal experience as a divorcee, has starkly illuminated my understanding of the emotional and financial ravages caused by marital breakdown. And FT readers beware: business people cope particularly badly: they are used to being in control in the office, but in the divorce process they lose control to the courts. The distractions of divorce cause them to take their eye off the ball professionally, often with disastrous business consequences.
Of course, the success of my law practice depends on couples splitting up, but having seen the misery it causes, I would happily earn a good deal less if it meant more couples stayed together.
With this in mind, I have written a booklet, How NOT to Get Divorced After Christmas: a Yuletide Survival Guide, one half aimed at men, the other half directed at women.
So what can men do to ease women's burdens, and what can women do to ensure they're not tied to the kitchen sink all Christmas? Most important, what can both sexes do to ensure they won't be dismantling their marriage along with the Christmas tree in January?
As a first step, I advise couples to go to the pub, each taking a sealed envelope containing details of what they really want to do at Christmas and who, if anyone, they want to invite into their home. I suggest they open one another's envelope and start from there in discussing what arrangements to make. That way, the decisions are joint ones.
It is important that families make plans - from who decorates the Christmas tree to what board games they are going to play on Boxing Day - otherwise the temptation is to do nothing but eat and drink too much and drift around the house untilaimlessness gives way to antipathy.
Plans should acknowledge potential flashpoints, especially if a relationship is already on shaky ground. A man who knows his wife can't stand his meddling mother should put hiswife's needs first and make alternative arrangements for his mother. A woman who gets stressed out cooking a Sunday roast shouldn't even think about trying her hand at Gordon Ramsay's recipe for five spice and lemon-infused goose; much better to buy the food ready-prepared or get someone else to do the cooking.
Men need to reassure their wives that a simple Christmas can be a great Christmas, or else be prepared to take on much of the work, while women need to book themselves some "me" time over the holiday.
Christmas can be magical, especially for families with young children, and with forethought and an endto the sexes' polarised approaches, it can be a relaxing, sharing and loving time.
My hope for everyone this Christmas is that they enjoy themselves - to the extent that my in-tray is refreshingly empty when I return to the office in the new year.
Diane Benussi is managing partner with matrimonial solicitors Benussi & Co, based in Birmingham,
www.benussilaw.co.uk假期如何避免婚姻触礁？
大
多数人在过完圣诞节回到办公室时，发现收件箱里空空的，桌上的电话许久都不响一下，感到非常开心。但是，离婚律师们从走进办公室的那一刻起，就忙得不可开交。
我的婚姻律师事务所迄今未能找到足够长的录音电话机磁带，录下所有那些听上去已绝望的配偶的留言。对于这些夫妻而言，“节日”已成了地球和平与家庭和睦的反义词。
我最忙的两个月，是学校暑假结束后的9月和圣诞新年后的1月。
乍看起来，这似乎有点不可思议，但细想一下，你就会发现节假日根本不像传统上描绘得那样美妙。节假日不会让夫妻走得更近，相反，夫妻往往因为节假日的到来而离异，尤其是那些因为各自都有独立强大的事业、不习惯与配偶长时间相处的夫妻。
按照人们对于圣诞节的浪漫想法，圣诞节似乎就是要有金银丝箔的装点，有玩具，有一家团聚，围着圣诞树唱圣诞颂歌，烤栗子，饱尝令人馋涎欲滴的新鲜出炉的美食。但这种感情化的想法，往往与现实相去甚远。除了因为离婚已经破碎的家庭外，许多人觉得圣诞节令人窒息，充满紧张和不切实际的期望。招待一大帮亲戚的压力，在家里度过的漫长而黑暗的时光，孩子们为了礼物不可避免的争吵，都会让压抑已久的情绪突然迸发。
我打了25年的离婚官司，从中得出一个结论：圣诞节往往是所有节日中最不开心的一个，因为男女看待圣诞节的角度截然不同，而且水火不容。女人，尤其是那些全职妇女，试图模仿精印杂志上完美圣诞的景象，结果把自己搞得筋疲力尽。在内疚感的驱动下，她们努力追求“完美”，却让自己疲惫不堪。她们忘了，或者忽略了这样一个事实：圣诞节应该是一个假日。
男人的想法却不一样。他们就把圣诞节当成是一个假期。他们在12月23日下班回家，满心期待未来的10天可以躺在扶手椅上无所事事，悠然度过这个假期。
忘了明星厨师杰米?奥利佛(Jamie Oliver)关于如何烤出美味火鸡的贴士吧。夫妻之间对待圣诞节的相反态度，是导致灾难的完美“菜谱”。
我是离婚律师，自己也是个离了婚的人，这些经历让我了解婚姻破裂会给感情和经济带来多大的影响。《金融时报》的读者们请注意：商界人士在这方面的处理能力尤其糟糕。这些人习惯于在办公室里一切尽在掌握，但在离婚过程中，控制权在法庭手中。离婚衍生出的许多分心事，让他们离了神，往往产生灾难性的业务后果。
对策
当然，如果没有人离婚，我的事务所也赚不了钱。但我知道离婚会带来多大的痛苦，所以我少赚一点也很开心，只要那意味着更多夫妻幸福地生活在一起。
因为有这个想法，我写了一本小册子，名为《如何避免圣诞后的离婚：圣诞期间婚姻生存指南》。一半写给男人看，另一半写给女人。
那么，丈夫可以做些什么来减轻妻子的负担，而妻子又可以做些什么，以避免整个圣诞都围着厨房的水槽而忙呢？最重要的是，双方可以一起做些什么，以确保他们的婚姻不会像圣诞树那样在1月解体？
首先，我建议夫妻两人去一家酒吧，每人都带一个封了口的信封，里面写上各自的一些具体想法，比如，他们想在圣诞期间做些什么，是否想邀请别人来家作客，如果有，是哪些人。然后，他们可以互拆信封，接着再讨论假日期间的安排。这样做的决定就是双方共同的决定。
家庭制定计划是很重要的，包括谁来装饰圣诞树、节礼日玩什么棋盘游戏。否则很有可能除了吃喝外，就是在家里无所事事，直到“漫无目的”演变成“厌倦”。
丈夫应该首先考虑妻子的需要
制定计划时需要考虑潜在的导火线，尤其是那些婚姻关系已经岌岌可危的夫妻。如果丈夫知道妻子无法忍受好管闲事的婆婆，就应该首先考虑妻子的需要，并为自己的母亲另作安排。如果某位女士平时烹调周日烤肉会紧张，就别去尝试名厨戈登?瑞姆榭(Gordon Ramsay)的五香柠檬鹅。更好的办法是买现成的食品，或另找他人来烹调。
丈夫需要不断安慰妻子，让她相信简单的圣诞节也可以很精彩，或者自己动手承担大部分家务，而妻子需要在假期预留更多时间给自己。
圣诞节可以过得很美妙，有小孩的家庭尤其如此。只要有一些远见，避免夫妻对立，这可以是一段轻松、共享、充满爱意的时光。
我希望，今年的圣诞节，每一对夫妻都能愉快地度过，当我在新的一年重回办公室时，发现收件箱里空空如也，感到身心舒畅。
*作者黛安娜?贝努茜是婚姻律师事务所Benussi & Co高级合伙人。该律师事务所位于英国伯明翰，网址为
www.benussilaw.co.uk
