Stopping a Bossy Peer From Dumping on You
Q: How does a peer respond to another peer who keeps pushing work off onto them? What is happening is that this peer seems to believe that I work for him and that when he says for me to do something that I should do it regardless of my workload. An example of this is I am to do a presentation for him because he doesn't have time to do it. He is working on one project. He comes in late and leaves early. What's a person to do?
A: When your peer asks if you will do his work, he is in charge of the situation and setting the agenda. And as soon as you answer the question, you lose. If you say yes, you're stuck with your peer's work. If you say no, you feel bad. The key is to pose your own question: Why are you asking me to do your work?
'There are a lot of good people out there who don't want to create strife in other people's lives and would just do the work,' says Richard Weinberg, a psychology professor at the University of South Florida. 'Unfortunately, there are also people who take advantage of those people. The resentment grows and accumulates, and they start to ruminate on how much they don't like this other person.'
For someone who says yes to requests as mundane as fixing a paper jam, asking a peer why you should be doing his work probably seems too confrontational. But it's not. It's simply a way of clarifying what's going on. You need to know: Why does your peer think he can give your orders?
'It sounds like there's a little bit of apprehension here,' says Fred Mael, a psychologist and organizational consultant who works with the American Institutes for Research, a nonprofit behavioral and social science research organization in Washington, D.C. 'This person is thinking, 'I don't have a clear role. I can't refute that I'm not supposed to be doing this. So I'm just going to build up such a case against my peer that I'm going to explode.' '
To make the question as nonthreatening as if you were asking what kind of soups the cafeteria is serving, approach him with curiosity and respect, not presumption and antagonism. Do not think about the late nights you've labored on his projects and lash out with, 'What right do you have to pawn your presentation off on me?'
'One of the principles for managing anger is to talk about what's making you angry but to do so with as little anger as possible, says Richard Driscoll, a psychologist in Knoxville, Tenn., who focuses on conflict management. 'You want to say what you're mad about without punching someone.'
Suggests Dr. Weinberg: 'I would go to the peer and say, very respectfully and politely, I don't quite understand why you're asking me to do your work.'
If your peer knows he wasn't supposed to be giving you work (he stammers that he thought you might find his projects more interesting than your own), he won't ask you again.
'If the person got used to dumping things, a little pushback is going to be sufficient,' says Dr. Mael. 'It's not uncommon that people portray themselves as so busy, so breathless, that they get out of doing the dreary stuff in life.'
But if he says he asked you to put together the presentation because the boss told him to, go to the boss and ask if it's true. 'You should keep your manager aware of any situation,' says Keith E. Davis, who teaches organizational behavior at the University of South Carolina. 'This only builds trust between you and your manager. It's not going to hurt your relationship. Your manager wants to see who they can trust to tell them what's actually going on in the office.'
Going to your manager, by the way, does not make you a crybaby or tattletale; you are, again, clarifying what's going on. Just be honest with your peer that you're going to talk to your manager. Tell him when you are going and invite him to come with you. To your boss, say something like, 'Joe asked me to do this. Is that what you want me to do?' says Dr. Weinberg.
Once the situation is clarified, your peer's work habits should become irrelevant. As long as you understand what your job is, you shouldn't care if he's out wrestling alligators when he should be at work. And if he's found someone else to stress over his PowerPoint slides, you can enjoy watching that person monitor his entrances and exits -- until they have the courage to ask why he thinks they should be doing his work in the first place.
Kayleen Schaefer
职场问答：学会对付爱发号施令的同事
（编者按：职场问答栏目旨在解答读者有关工作压力和焦虑方面的问题。）
* * *
问：如果同事总是把自己的事情推给别人做，该怎么办呢？事实是我的这位同事似乎觉得我是为他服务的，无论我工作有多么忙，他吩咐我的事情我都应该无条件完成。举一个例子，因为他没时间，我就要为他做个演示报告。他正在负责一个项目。但他每天都迟到早退，我该怎么办？
双语阅读
? Stopping a Bossy Peer From Dumping on You答：当同事询问你是否能帮他做些事情时，他在控制著局面并且制定了议事日程。只要你回答了这个问题，你就占了下风。如果你答应了他，那么你就要被迫做别人的工作。如果你没答应，那么你的感觉会很糟糕。关键问题在于，你要提出自己的问题：你为什么要我做你的工作？
南佛罗里达大学(University of South Florida)心理学教授理查德?温伯格(Richard Weinberg)表示，“我们身边有许多大好人不愿与别人发生冲突，而只会按别人说的去做。不幸的是，我们身边还有些人会借机占便宜。仇恨越积越深，人们开始琢磨那些占便宜的人到底有多么的惹人讨厌。”
连替别人处理卡纸这样简单的问题都会应承下来的人可能会觉得，追究为什么要我做对方的工作会显得太过敌意。不过事实并非如此。这仅仅是澄清问题的一种方式。你有必要知道：为什么你的同事觉得他可以对你发号施令？
与非盈利性研究机构美国研究学会(American Institutes for Research)共事的心理学学家和管理顾问佛瑞德?梅尔(Fred Mael)说，“似乎人们心里存在著一些忧虑。人们会想，‘我们并没有明确的工作分工。我不能反驳他说，这不是我的工作。我只能慢慢累积起对同事的一腔怒火。’”
为了让问题显得不那么咄咄逼人，就好像你是在问“自助餐厅今天供应什么汤？”，你应该带著点好奇和尊重走近他，而不应满怀敌意。不要再想著昨晚你为了他的项目点灯熬油，也不要随便抛出一句，“你有什么权力把你的演示报告甩给我？”
研究冲突管理的心理学家理查德?德里斯科尔(Richard Driscoll)说，“控制愤怒的一个原则就是把让你愤怒的事情说出来，不过要尽可能隐藏愤怒情绪。”他说，“你要说出令你生气的事情，但不要冒犯他。”
温伯格的建议是：“我会走到那位同事面前，非常礼貌地告诉他，我不大理解你为什么要我做你的工作。”
如果你的同事能够意识到他不该把工作交给你（比如他结结巴巴地说，他以为你对他的项目更感兴趣），以后他就不会再这样做了。
“如果遇到那种习惯于把工作甩给他人的人，礼貌的反馈可能不够，”梅尔说。“很多人会说自己很忙、喘不过气，这样他们就可以逃避那些令人郁闷的事情了。”
但是如果他说他把演示报告交给你是因为老板让他这样做，你就要到老板那里求证一下。“你应该让经理知道发生的各种情况，”在南卡罗来纳大学(University of South Carolina)教授组织行为的基思?戴维斯(Keith E. Davis)说，“这只会增进你和经理之间的信任。不会对你们的关系有任何伤害。你的经理一定想知道，有谁是值得信任的，能够向他禀报实情。”
不过千万不要表现得很软弱或者像是在搬弄是非；你是在澄清事实。而且最好坦诚地告诉你的同事你打算和经理谈谈。告诉他你打算什么时候去，也邀请他一同去。温伯格说，面对你的老板，你可以这样说，“乔把这项工作交给我，这是你希望我做的吗？”
把一切都挑明后，你也就大可不必介意你同事的工作习惯了。你只要清楚自己的职责就好，不必在意他是否在工作时间外出旅行。而如果他又找到其他人来帮他做这些PowerPoint幻灯片，那你就可以坐在一旁悠闲地看著那个倒霉蛋紧盯著这个同事的进进出出──直到他有勇气站出来问，为什么他认为别人理所当然地要为他服务。
Kayleen Schaefer
