The best way to change the world - without leaving your desk
For lunch today I have had a chorizo and rocket baguette followed by a mango yoghurt. I ate it all at my desk and chucked the plastic spoon and pot in the bin. As I ate I looked at various e-mails that I had printed out. At my feet my mobile phone charger was plugged in and turned on though my phone was in my bag. On my desk my computer sat idle and hot, as I have not shut it down for months and months.
In all, it has been a normal lunch break, quite enjoyable in its low-key way. Or was quite enjoyable until I started reading a book called Change the World 9 to 5. This is a sequel to the best-selling Change the World for a Fiver, which suggested 50 budget tips on how to improve society. This time what is on offer are 50 easy ways of making the world a happier place from the comfort of your cubicle.
It seems that my lunch was an affront on many counts. Food that comes from far away is off, plastic cups and spoons are off, printing out e-mails is off, and computers and phone chargers should be off - when not in use. I should be taking a proper break for lunch, and should not be hogging food, but sharing it.
Discouraged, I started to look at the book more carefully to see if I am actually saving the world in anything I do at work. At first sight it did not look good. About one-third of the 50 actions are ecological and I hardly do any of them. Not only do I never turn my monitor off or unplug my mobile charger, I think nothing of plastic cups and never photocopy on both sides. I am (marginally) more careful at home, but as soon as I walk through the office doors I become a child, a free rider. The bills are not paid by me. I have no say over the configuration of the office and unless I am told to recycle or photocopy on both sides, I am not going to.
In any case it is hard to change little things when big things go unchanged. Most modern offices are cathedrals to waste. You step off the scorching street into the blissfully cool and empty expanses of chilled reception areas. Which does not put one in the right frame of mind for saving staples. There is one tip from the book that I do follow, and recommend you do, too. Cut down on business travel. I never go anywhere, and it works well for me. At a guess I would say that 90 per cent of business trips could be cancelled with no damage to the business. People travel on business because it makes them feel important, because they are paranoid that something bad will happen if they do not and because they want air miles that enable them to fly even more. Mostly, video conferences or phone calls would do instead. Business travel might be said to broaden the mind (though I doubt it does this) but it thins both the bottom line and the ozone layer.
The rest of the tips are about changing our behaviour at work to make everyone happier. These make less guilty reading, not because I do them, but because they are so feeble. If they change the world at all, it would be for the worse. Take this one: "Don't be an ideas killer." This is unintelligent. Some ideas are good and should be encouraged. Some are stupid and should not be.
Here are some ideas in this book that should be killed.
"Ring the IT help desk just to ask them how they are." In my experience computers misbehave so help desks are hellishly busy. It is hard enough to get through to them now so to jam the switchboard with nuisance calls is a terrible idea for all concerned.
"Fail." This tip is no doubt meant to be cleverly counterintuitive, but is downright stupid. Here is my better tip for changing the world: "Succeed."
Most bizarre is this suggestion: "Share your lunch with someone." Why? Most people prefer to buy their own, and do not want yours as they are usually trying to lose weight. Sometimes I offer people a finger of my KitKat, but usually they say no, which pleases me as I find a whole bar is the right size for one person.
To prove that I am only a selective ideas killer, I should say that there are some very good tips in this book, which deserve repeating. Say thank you. Be nice to temps. Practise good manners. Praise people. These are all great tips, but if you did not manage to learn these things at your mother's knee you are most unlikely to learn them from a book.
I am saving until last the one tip from this book that makes me sit up and say: "Yes! I want to do that!" It is: "Remember people's names." In spite of my best intentions I find this hard, and I am getting worse as I get older. The spirit is willing, but the memory is not. So if any readers have any ideas on how I could get better at this, maybe they can improve my world 9 to 5 by e-mailing me their tips, and I will promise not to print them out.
Having rejected so many tips, I feel it is beholden on me to explain how I would go about changing the world from 9 to 5. I can think of one very good (and glaringly obvious) tip which this trendy, soppy book does not even mention. And that is to work. Someone is paying you to do this, so if you believe in the free market at all the greatest happiness is served by you actually doing it. In fact, the more conscientiously you work the better for the world - and the better for your colleagues. If you work efficiently you will be adding nicely to the world's gross domestic product and you will be good to have around, too.
卖力工作，让职场更美妙
我
今天的午餐包括一根蒜味辣肠和一块长棍面包，还有一杯芒果酸奶。我在办公桌前吃完午餐，并随手把塑料勺和塑料罐扔进了垃圾箱。我一边吃，一边看着打印出的各类电子邮件。脚下，我的手机充电器正插在电源插座上，而手机却在皮包里。办公桌上的电脑无所事事，却温度很高，因为我已经连续数月没有关机了。
总之，这是一个正常的午餐时段，尽管低调，却非常愉快。或者说，在我开始阅读名为《改变朝九晚五的世界》(Change the World 9 to 5)一书之前，我感觉非常愉快。该书是畅销书《5英镑改变世界》(Change the World for a Fiver)的续篇。原来那本书就如何改善社会提出了50条建议，现在这本书则提出了50个简单方法，从改善你的工作小隔间入手，让世界变成更快乐的地方。
我的午餐似乎在许多方面都是对这本书的公开蔑视。不应食用来自远方的食品，不应使用塑料杯和塑料勺，也不应打印电子邮件，电脑和手机充电器在不用时应关掉电源。我应拿出适当的时间用于吃午餐，并且不应贪食，而应与他人分享。
灰心丧气的我开始更仔细的研读这本书，看看我在工作时间所做的一切是否已经在拯救这个世界。乍一看，我做得并不好。书中提出的50种行为中，约有三分之一是关于生态的，而我几乎没做过一件；我既没有关掉我的显示器，也没有拔出手机充电器；我觉得使用塑料杯没什么问题，我也从未双面复印过。我（最多）在家更谨慎些，但只要走进公司大门，我就变成了一个孩子，一个免费搭便车者。我不用承担这里的费用。对于公司的布局，我没有发言权，而除非我被告知回收纸张或双面打印，否则我不会这么做。
无论如何，如果大的事情没有改变，就很难改变小事情。多数现代化办公室都是巨大的浪费场。离开炙热的街道，走进凉风习习且宽敞空旷的公司前台区域，这不会让你产生节约钉书钉的想法。但书中有一条建议我一直在照做，同时我也建议你这么做，那就是：减少商务旅行。我从不去什么地方，这让我很受用。我猜想，有90%的商务旅行可以取消，而不会对业务造成损害。一些人进行商务旅行，因为这让他们觉着自己很重要，因为他们自以为如果不去，糟糕的事情会发生，因为他们需要积累飞行里程，这样可以让他们获得更多的免费飞行里程。大多数情况下，视频会议或电话会议可以代替商务旅行。商务旅行或许可以扩大视野（尽管我对此表示怀疑），但它同时侵蚀了公司的利润和地球的臭氧层。
剩余的建议则是要我们改变在工作中的行为，使所有人都变得更幸福。这些东西读起来不会让我那么具有负罪感，倒不是因为我做过，而是因为它们如此苍白无力。如果它们也能改变世界，那么世界只会变得更糟。拿这一条来说：“不要成为创意扼杀者。”这句话毫无智慧可言。一些创意是好的，应该鼓励。另一些则是愚蠢的，不该鼓励。
这本书里就有这样一些创意应该遭到扼杀。
“打电话给IT技术支持人员，向他们嘘寒问暖。”以我的经历，电脑极易“行为不端”，技术支持人员总是忙得要命，如今能打通他们的电话已是相当之难。因此，用烦人的电话阻塞总机，无论如何都是个可怕的创意。
“失败。”这条建议无疑是指聪明地做些反常的事，但这绝对是愚蠢的。在这里，我为改变世界提出一条更好的建议：“成功。”
最怪异的是这条建议：“和别人分享你的午餐。”为什么？大多数人都愿意自己买午餐，而且因为他们经常都在尝试减肥，因此并不想吃你的。有时候，我会让别人尝一点我的KitKat巧克力，但他们总是拒绝，这让我很高兴，因为我发现一整条恰好适合一个人吃。
为了证明我只是一个有选择性的创意扼杀者，我要说这本书里还是有一些非常好的建议的，值得重申：经常说“谢谢”；友善地对待临时雇员；表现良好的举止；懂得称赞别人。这些都是非常好的建议，不过，如果你小时候没有学会这些东西，那也不大可能从一本书中学会它们。
我对这本书提出的各项建议一直有所保留，但最后一条让我端坐起来说道：“是的！我想那么做！”这就是“记住别人的名字。”尽管我非常用心去做，但我发现这很难，随着年纪越来越大，我的记忆力越来越差。我在精神上很愿意这么做，但记忆力却跟不上。因此，如果任何读者有任何创意，能让我在这一点上有所进步，可以通过电子邮件把建议发给我，这或许可以改变我“朝九晚五的世界”，而且我承诺不会将它们打印出来。
在否认了如此之多的建议之后，我觉得我应该解释一下自己将如何去改变“朝九晚五的世界”。我能想到一条非常好的（而且是显而易见的）建议，而且是这本自作多情的流行书籍提都没提过的。那就是：工作。别人付钱让你工作，因此，如果你信奉自由市场，那么，最大的幸福就取决于你实际所做的事情。事实上，你工作越尽心，世界就越美好――你的同事也会越好。如果你工作有效率，你将很好地为全球的国内生产总值(GDP)添上一笔，而你周围的世界也会更美好。
