When to Kick Your Kid Out of the House, And Other Financial Lessons for Parents
Children are a long-term investment. But who knew it would be this long?
The tab to raise a kid in a middle-class household through age 17 is around $184,000, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. If the child then spends four years at a prestigious private college, you might cough up an additional $160,000.
Think the financial bleeding ends there? Think again. These days, we're talking graduate school, allowing the kids to move back home after college, covering the rent on a first apartment and maybe even buying it for them. Should parents really be forking over all this money -- and where do they draw the line?
? Heading home. Like it or not, it's taking longer for adult children to become financially independent. One indication: As of 2001, almost four million 25-to-34 year olds were still living with their parents, according to a 2002 study by Harvard University's Joint Center for Housing Studies.
What's driving this trend? Many kids are taking five years to get an undergraduate degree, they're going on to graduate school, they are working as poorly paid interns, they are slow to settle on a career, and they can't afford to buy their own home because of lofty real-estate prices.
But it isn't just about the kids. Parents not only have the money and the room to keep their adult children at home, but also many enjoy having the kids around, in part because it helps them put off unsettling thoughts about their own mortality.
"There are a lot of reasons why children might still be at home in their 20s," says Jerrold Lee Shapiro, a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University, Calif. "But the danger is that they never grow up."
Indeed, for parents, there's a difficult balancing act involved. Studies in Europe have found that young adults who get a lot of parental support tend to be more optimistic, more ambitious and more adventurous in their career choices, notes Terri Apter, author of "The Myth of Maturity" and a social psychologist at Cambridge University in England.
QUESTION OF THE DAY
Vote: When should parents stop supporting their children financially?But if you provide too much support, there's a risk you will end up with an overly dependent child who has an unpleasant sense of entitlement -- and you could torpedo your own retirement plans.
? Finding their feet. What to do? To help your adult children as they strive for financial independence, try these four strategies.
-- Talk about your own struggles. Today, your kids likely view you as affluent and successful. In all likelihood, however, you had lean years after college, including difficulties landing a job and trouble covering the bills. Your kids will have similar struggles -- and they need to know that.
-- If your adult children ask to move home, immediately draw up a plan with your "boomerang kids." Nail down what they will do to pursue their desired career, how they might earn money in the meantime and when they will leave.
"Their job is to take steps to move into adulthood," says Cambridge's Dr. Apter. "Their job isn't to hang out and see what happens. If you've had a young, healthy adult at home after college for over three years, you have to ask, 'Is this in everybody's best interest?' "
-- Treat your adult children like adults. When they move back home, they should take on responsibilities, including paying rent, cooking and cleaning.
But this can be a little tricky. You want your kids to behave like grownups -- but you don't want to impose a slew of restrictions, effectively dealing with them as though they're children.
"What are the proper rules for your 24-year-old son?" Prof. Shapiro asks. "You have to treat him as the adult that he is and that you want him to be. You encourage independence by giving people freedom."
-- If you help your kids financially, aim to leverage your investment. "If parents have the money and they want to help, they should structure it as a partnership," advises Eileen Gallo, co-author of "The Financially Intelligent Parent" and a psychotherapist in Los Angeles. "That can empower the child."
For instance, if your children want to go to graduate school, you might insist that they take out loans to pay for at least part of the expense. That way, there's a real cost to staying in school -- and a real financial incentive to complete the degree and parlay it into a decent-paying job.
Similarly, if you initially subsidize your children's rent, you might slowly scale back the subsidy, while offering to match any home down payment dollar-for-dollar. That will have the double benefit of both weaning your kids financially and also encouraging them to sock away money for their first home purchase.
Don't, however, give your kids money you can't afford. For parents, it might seem logical to carry on as the big breadwinner for the entire family. After all, you're the one with the big salary, while your kids may be earning precious little.
But if, like many others, you have put off saving for retirement until your last 15 or 20 years in the work force, you really need to use your spare cash to fatten your own nest egg. That doesn't mean you can't be supportive of your kids. But your support may have to be more emotional than financial -- and that, in any case, is the most valuable kind.
什么时候该把让孩子踢出家门？
子女是父母的长期投资，可谁能想到竟然会有这么长？
根据美国农业部(U.S. Department of Agriculture)的统计，一个美国中产家庭养育一个孩子到17岁得花费184,000美元。如果这个孩子接下来在私立名牌大学读四年书，那么家长恐怕还要再花160,000美元。
以为家长的经济负担就此卸下了？也不尽然。如今大家谈论的话题都是上研究生、让子女读完大学后搬回家住、替他们支付第一笔公寓租金、甚至给他们买房子。父母们真的应该慷慨解囊，毫不吝惜吗？给钱的界限在哪里？
-- 回父母家去。无论家长们是否乐意，如今成年的子女实现经济独立需要更长的时间。哈佛大学住房研究联合中心(Joint Center for Housing Studies)在2002年发布的一项报告显示，截至2001年，约有400万年龄在25至34岁的年轻人仍与父母住在一起。
这股潮流是如何产生的呢？许多年轻人要花5年时间获得大学本科学位，接著继续攻读研究生，然后在公司见习，领取微薄的薪水，他们在职场上得花费很长时间才能找到自己的位置，他们买不起房子，因为现在的房价实在太高了。
不过还有其他方面的原因。家长们不仅财力充裕，而且住房宽敞，可以让子女搬回家来住。许多父母也喜欢与孩子们住在一起，也许这样可以让他们拥有年轻的心态，排遣日渐衰老的不安。
“二十多岁的年轻人仍呆在父母家有许多原因，”圣克拉拉大学(Santa Clara University)的心理咨询教授、执业临床心理学家杰利德?萨利(Jerrold Lee Shapiro)说，“但怕就怕他们永远也长不大。”
的确，对于父母而言，如何做到恰到好处可不容易。英国剑桥大学(Cambridge University)的社会心理学家、《成熟的神话》(The Myth of Maturity)一书的作者特里?阿普特(Terri Apter)指出，欧洲的研究表明，获得父母大力支持的年轻人往往更加乐观、更有抱负，在事业选择上更大胆。
但是，如果父母给予了太多的支援，最后的结果也许是子女们依赖成性，觉得一切都是应该的，最终父母只能是毁了自己的退休计划。
-- 让子女学会自立。怎么办呢？为了帮助成年子女努力实现经济独立，试试下面四大策略吧。
谈谈自己的奋斗历程。今天，子女眼里的父母是成功富有的。但是，一般来说父母也是先念了大学，然后好不容易找到了一份工作，开始的时候手头十分拮据，入不敷出。孩子们也会经历这样的过程，必须让他们知道这一点。
如果你的成年子女要求搬回家来住，那你得马上和这些“归巢族”一起制定一份计划，明确他们如何实自己的职业理想，同时怎样赚钱，什么时候开始独立生活。
“他们的任务是逐步进入成年，”剑桥大学的阿普特教授说，“而不是呆著什么也不做，被人推著走。如果你的孩子年轻、健康，但大学毕业三年之后还住在家里，你得问问自己，这样做是不是对大家都好？”
像对待成年人那样对待长大的孩子。当他们搬回来住时，他们应当承担相应的责任，包括支付房租、做饭、打扫房间等。
但这可能有点难度。希望自己的孩子成熟起来，可是你却不加以调教、施加各种限制，这实际上就是把他们当小孩子看待。
“怎样对待24岁的儿子才好？”萨利教授反问道，“你必须实实在在地把他当大人对待，实际上他已经长大成人了。你得给予他自由，鼓励他独立。”
如果你给予孩子经济上的帮助，那么就当作一笔投资好好加以利用。“如果家长有钱想帮孩子，他们应当采取合伙制式的合作，”洛杉矶的心理治疗师、《高财商的父母》(The Financially Intelligent Parent)一书的作者之一艾琳?加利(Eileen Gallo)说，“如此一来，孩子们就有了动力。”
例如，如果你的孩子想继续攻读研究生学位，你可以坚持主张让他们去贷款，支付部分学费。这样对孩子们而言，继续呆在学校里就产生了一笔真正的成本，经济上的压力会激励他们读完学位，并努力找到一份薪水不错的工作。
同样地，如果你一开始补贴孩子的房租，那么你可以逐步削减补贴，同时答应替孩子支付一半的房屋首付款。这样既可以慢慢减少以至停止对子女的经济资助，又可以鼓励他们为将来首次购房存钱。
不过，给予孩子的帮助不能超过家长的经济实力。对于父母而言，承担全家的经济负担似乎是理所当然的。毕竟与父母的高工资相比，子女赚的实在太少。
然而，如果像其他许多人一样，你工作了15或20年后才开始为退休生活存钱的话，你就得把多余的钱用来充实养老储蓄了。这就意味著你不能接济子女。可是与物质支持相比，你也许应给予更多的精神鼓励--在任何情况下，那都是最宝贵的支持。
