The Coddling Crisis: Why Americans Think Adulthood Begins at Age 26
There's a crisis of coddling in American families.
It's evident in the frantic efforts of parents who write their children's college-application essays, then provide long-distance homework hand-holding after their kids hit campus.
We see it in the millions of 20-somethings who have moved back in with mom and dad. And we notice it in the workplace, where entry-level employees expect bosses to look after them the way their mothers do.
These signs of "extended adolescence" have been building for years, of course, yet the answer isn't as simple as "Just let go already!" Family dynamics in our culture ha ve been changed by divorce, the high cost of living, latchkey childhoods, and the trend of delayed marriage and parenthood. As a result, while some young adults today may indeed need extra coddling, parents are struggling to find the right balance.
Leslie Park, a travel agent in Washington, D.C., says she didn't know what to do when her son, now 25 years old, was living at home several years ago "and spent half his day sleeping and the other half watching TV. I'd go to work and he was just going to bed. I' d come home and he was just getting up."
She recognized, though, that he was "floundering and kind of lost," and opted to err on the softer side of tough love -- insisting that he enroll in college courses, while letting him slowly chart a course for his li fe. In time, he got himself together. He's now a film editor in New York, though like countless 20-somethings in that expensive city, he's still getting financial help from his parents.
Ages 18 and 21 are no longer the true entry points into American adult hood, as more young people today take soul-searching breaks after college or put off starting their "grown-up" lives. A 2003 poll by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center found that most Americans think adulthood begins at about age 26. Understandably then, many parents don't know when and how to disengage, which can leave their kids overly dependent into their thirties and forties.
"Everyone wants to know the rules," says Susan Wechsler of Chevy Chase, Md., who has two daughters, ages 29 and 30. "Am I being too hard? Am I being too soft?"
Young adults also feel torn. Courtney Reilly, 28, moved back into her parents' Manhattan home in 2001 while in graduate school, and has remained there ever since. "There's a stunted independence of 2 0-somethings today," she admits. "I finally have my career settled. I really have to move on." Still, she calls living at home "a great deal" that's hard to walk away from.
At QuarterlifeCrisis.com , a Web site for angst-ridden 20-somethings, one recent posting was from a 22-year-old who has returned to his childhood bedroom. He feels like a loser, but hoped female chat-room visitors would reassure him that living with his parents is "no bi g deal" -- or even "sexy." One woman was empathetic, but added: "Sexy? Let's not get carried away."
On the positive side, many parents today have close bonds with their adult kids, and both generations benefit, says educator Susan Morris Shaffer , co-author of the new book, "Mom, Can I Move Back in With You?" But she finds too many parents become their adult kids' lifestyle-subsidizers, bail-out specialists and chore-completers.
Among guideposts from parenting experts:
Let kids master their own domains: Coll eges are noticing that today's parents -- so accustomed to speaking for their children to teachers and coaches -- often ask all the questions on freshman-orientation tours. In response, some colleges now hold separate tours for students and parents.
Social worker Linda Perlman Gordon, who is Ms. Shaffer's co-author, has a 22-year-old patient who always e-mailed her term papers home to her parents for editing. Now out of college, "she doesn't know whether she can count on herself," Ms. Gordon says.
Students from high-pressured, upscale households are more sheltered today than even five years ago, says Lisa Jacobson, founder of Inspirica, a New York-based tutoring and test-preparation firm. Parents have been micromanaging these kids' lives for so long that th e kids often are unable to cope with disappointments and rejections. Parents have to let children develop life skills.
Ground them in reality: Young adults today often expect to have a lifestyle that equals the way their parents are living in middle age. "They should know that to get from A to Z, you've got to go through all the letters in the alphabet," Ms. Shaffer says.
She knows a judge who interviewed a young law-school gr ad for a job. When the judge asked whether the applicant had any questions, he had only two: "How casual is casual Friday?" and "Can I leave work early to ride my bike home before rush hour?" Given his sense of entitlement, the young man didn't get the jo b.
Keep yourself in check: Divorced parents sometimes shower adult children with material support, or welcome them into their homes as "roommates." This can slow a child's maturation.
Likewise, new technologies have changed family relationships. Decades ago , 20-somethings may have checked in with parents once or twice a week. Today, with cellphones and e-mail, interactions can be constant. Sure, there are benefits to this hyperaccess. But if an adult child is calling about every splinter and every wardrobe decision, back off.
美国青年：成年期从26岁开始？
美国家庭面临著溺爱孩子造成的危机。
父母为孩子撰写大学入学申请文件，在孩子上学期间提供远程作业辅导，这些过份的帮助已是司空见惯。在数百万个与父母朝夕相处的二十多岁的年轻人中，我们可以看到这种现象；在工作单位里，我们也能注意到新员工期望老板向父母一样照顾他们。
多年来，“青少年期延长”的现象愈演愈烈，但答案却不是一句“放手不管就是了”能解决的。我们的家庭文化正在逐渐改变，离婚、生活费用高，把孩子锁在家里无人照管，以及晚婚晚育的趋势都是造成这种改变的因素。结果，尽管一些年轻的成年人可能的确需要溺爱，父母也在力争取得一种真正的平衡。
居住在华盛顿特区的旅行代理人莱斯利?帕克(Leslie Park)表示，几年前当自己25岁的儿子住在家里时，每天半天时间睡觉，半天时间看电视，而她却不知如何是好。她说：“我要去上班时他刚准备上床睡觉，而我下班回家，他却刚刚起床。”
然而她承认，儿子“因遭遇失败而失魂落魄”。她坚持让儿子报名参加大学教程，同时让儿子慢慢做自己的人生规划，从而让儿子及时控制了自己的情绪。现在，他在纽约做了一名影视编辑，但在这座高消费的城市里，他像其他无数二十多岁的年轻人一样，仍需要父母提供经济支持。
18－21岁已经不再是美国人真正进入成年期的起始年龄，因为当今更多年轻人在大学以后会进行一个时期的内省，从而推迟了进入成年期的时间。2003年芝加哥大学(University of Chicago)全国舆论研究中心(National Opinion Research Center)的调查显示，大多数美国人认为成年年龄是从26岁开始的。可以想象，许多父母并不知道什么时候以及如何让孩子脱离父母的臂膀，从而导致孩子直到30或40多岁仍然过度依赖父母的帮助。
马里兰州Chevy Chase 的苏珊?韦奇斯勒(Susan Wechsler)说：“人人都希望知道教育孩子的原则。”她有两个女儿，一个29岁，一个30岁。“我想知道自己对她们是过于苛刻了呢，还是过于溺爱了？”
年轻的成年人也感到万分困惑。考特妮?瑞利(Courtney Reilly)今年28岁，在2001年读研究生时搬回了父母在曼哈顿的家并且一直住在家里。她承认，20多岁的年轻人的独立进程缓慢。“我最终搞定了自己的工作，我真的需要继续前行了。”然而，她把从家里搬出去称为“一个难以作出的决定”。
QuarterlifeCrisis.com是为20岁左右的焦虑青年设立的网站，其中一个帖子是一名22岁年轻人写的，他搬回到了自己孩提时代的卧室。他感到自己像个失败者，但希望聊天室里女性访问者能告诉他，与父母住在一起没什么可大惊小怪的，甚至是“令人神往的”。一名女性对他表示赞同，但补充道：“令人神往？我们也不要对家过度迷恋。”
教育家苏珊?莫里斯(Susan Morris Shaffer)说，从积极的角度来看，如今许多父母和成年子女关系更紧密了，而这对两代人都有好处。苏珊是新书《妈妈，我能和你朝夕相处吗？》的作者之一。但是她发现，太多父母成为成年子女生活方式的指导者，遇到困难时的协助者以及日常家务活的完成者。
在家庭教育专家的指导建议中有以下几条：
让孩子做好自己的事情。大学教职工都注意到，如今的父母过于习惯代替孩子面对老师，往往在校方对孩子进行入学指导时问得面面俱到。因此，一些大学现在只好为父母和学生进行单独的入学指导。
社会福利工作者琳达?戈登(Linda Perlman Gordon)是苏珊女士写书的合作者，她有一名22岁的病人，总是把自己的论文用电子邮件发送回家，让父母修改。现在走出了大学校门，她不知道能否依靠自己在社会立足。
位于纽约的大学辅导和测试准备机构Inspirica的创始人利萨?杰克波森(Lisa Jacobson)说，如今来自高压力、高阶层家庭的学生比五年前受到更多庇护。父母太长时期以来一直对子女的生活进行过于细致的管理，以至于孩子往往无法面对失望和拒绝。父母必须让孩子学会独立生活的技能。
让孩子著眼于现实：如今成年的年轻人往往希望现在就过像他们的父母中年时才过上的生活。苏珊说，他们应该知道，从A到Z，需要经过字母表中的所有字母的过程。
她认识的一名法官曾经给一个年轻的法律专业毕业生面试。当法官问到他有什么问题要问时，他说只有两个：“休闲周五能有多轻松？”以及“我能否早些下班，以便在交通高峰前骑车回家？”鉴于他的这种意识，这个年轻人没有得到这份工作。
作好自我控制：有时离异的父母给予了子女过多的物质支持，或者对成年子女住在家里表示欢迎，这都会使子女的成熟步伐放慢。
同样，新技术也改变了家庭成员之间的关系。几十年前，20多岁的年轻人每周可能有一两天与父母呆在一起。如今，手机和电子邮件实现了即时的互动。这种时常的联系固然有一些好处，但成年子女穿衣戴帽、鸡毛蒜皮的事情都给父母打电话，却是万万要不得的。
