Financial Infidelity: When It's OK
Marital disharmony in America could be eased overnight by a little machine that would sit next to cash registers at every retailer. It would authorize not only your credit-card limit, but also your "spousal authorization amount."
That would be the maximum dollar figure you are permitted to spend without informing your spouse. Each couple would determine its own limits in advance, a giant bureaucratic agency would be informed, and countless money battles and divorces could be avoided.
That's all wishful thinking, of course. Even if such a gadget were to be built, millions of couples would abhor it, because they're addicted to surreptitious spending. Surveys show that up to half of all couples admit that they commit "financial infidelity" -- lying to spouses about expenditures they've made. At the same time, financial and marital advisers say that a touch of secret purchasing can be healthy and liberating for a marriage.
Will an unauthorized purchase strum up marital discord? Above: The $5,999 Martin 000-ECHF Bellezza Nera guitar.
So how should couples develop a formula for their discretionary spending? In the corporate world, inventory managers use the term "open to buy," which refers to the amount available to spend. These days, a cottage industry of consultants is helping couples negotiate their own "open to buy" amounts.
Ted Klontz is president of Onsite Workshops, an organization near Nashville that helps people with financial issues. Last Friday, he visited a couple in their Tennessee home to help them sort out their spending patterns.
The husband is a high-earning music-industry veteran. His wife goes on frequent secret-spending sprees, dropping many thousands of dollars at a pop, usually on clothing. Reviewing their financial records, the couple had a realization: The wife's buying usually followed incidences when the husband was unkind to her.
She was retaliating subconsciously, says Mr. Klontz. "Instead of saying, 'Ouch, that hurt,' she'd walk away feeling unloved, then buy things to feel better. This is extraordinarily common."
Complicating matters, the wife is beautiful and the husband likes her to look beautiful, says Mr. Klontz. "When she dresses nicely, he falls in love with her all over again. He reinforces the buying behavior." Mr. Klontz is helping this couple understand their dynamics.
When couples get married, they often resent losing their autonomy. A common refrain: "Why must I ask permission before I spend money? I'm not a child." Mary Hunt, founder of the DebtProofLiving.com advice Web site, tells spouses to give each other an "adult allowance" -- money that can be spent however they want, without having to justify it. The amount is determined after reviewing all household expenses. For Ms. Hunt and her husband, the amount agreed upon is $200 a month.
Ms. Hunt advocates sharing credit reports before marriage, which can reveal a runaway spender. "It's more important than a blood test. It's a character reference." After marriage, couples should have "money dates," where they go through everything they've spent "except the allowance money," she says. They should do it in public places so they're less likely to argue.
All this can be a challenge because our culture indulges extra-marital spending. Wine locker rooms now cater to collectors who don't want their spouses to know how many expensive bottles they've purchased. Credit-card statements feature camouflaged business names to mask fees paid to porn or gambling Web sites. Store gift cards can be loaded up with stray cash, and even if your spouse snoops through your wallet, the card doesn't indicate a value.
A lot of people find insidious ways to hide secret spending. Some use a check to buy groceries, write it for a larger amount, and get cash back from the supermarket. "They'll use the difference to pay for a pedicure," says Ms. Hunt. "I call it 'money laundering.' " When the canceled check arrives, their spouses assume the full check went for groceries.
Ms. Hunt says she pulled such antics earlier in her marriage. She got a private post-office box so her husband wouldn't see bills. She burned collection notices. She'd rip off tags, and put new outfits in her closet for a while, so she could swear that "they're not new" if her husband asked. By 1982, she was $100,000 in debt. It took 13 years for her to get solvent. Her advice: If you're deceitful, ask yourself, How would I feel if my spouse did this to me?
Mr. Klontz says that, years ago, he and his wife agreed that they could each spend $150 a month without informing each other. One day, in a music store, he saw an $800 guitar. He wanted it. He bought it.
He took it home and played it for his wife. She thought he sounded great, but then asked: "How much was it?" When he told her, she reminded him of their agreement.
"You're right," he said. "I don't deserve this. I'll take it back."
"No, that's OK," she replied. "You work hard. You do deserve it."
He kept the guitar, but has since realized that he was being passive-aggressive. Rather than focus on his violation of their agreement, he played the victim, and manipulated her.
Richard Kahler, a financial planner in Rapid City, S.D., runs workshops with Mr. Klontz. Mr. Kahler learned just this week that his wife, Marcia Welch-Kahler, has secretly been spending $30 a month without telling him. Since 2004, she's been supporting a disadvantaged girl in India.
"I've wondered why I never told Rick about it," Ms. Welch-Kahler says. "I guess it just felt private. It's something I did that was mine."
Mr. Kahler is philosophical about this. "Sometimes," he says, "a spouse really needs to have 'me only' money."
婚后的个人支出规则
如果能给每台零售收银机配置一种授权仪，或许有助于减少美国夫妻间不和的几率。授权仪不仅能对信用卡额度进行授权，也会设定配偶的授权消费额度。
也就是说，只要消费金额不超过授权额度，你就尽可消费、无需告知配偶。每对夫妻都可事先设定限额、告知一个庞大的官僚机构，这样无数因钱的问题引发的争吵以及离婚就可以避免了。
当然，这都只是假想。即使有这样的设备被发明出来，大多数夫妻估计也不会接受，因为他们已习惯了不告知对方、自作主张地消费。调查显示，有近一半的夫妻承认他们在钱的问题上有隐瞒，有时会向配偶撒谎。理财和婚姻顾问则认为，一定限度内的自行消费没什么不好，是婚姻内的一种“解放”。
那么，夫妻之间应该就个人随意支出达成怎样的规则呢？在商界，库存经理有一个词“采购限额”(open to buy)，指的是可用于采购的金额。如今，一些顾问正在帮助夫妻之间商定他们自己的“采购限额”。
泰德?克朗茨(Ted Klontz)是纳什维尔附近一个帮助人们解决财务问题的组织Onsite Workshops的主席。上周五，他拜访了田纳西州的一个家庭，帮助这对夫妻解决他们的支出模式问题。
在这个家庭里，丈夫是高收入的唱片业资深人士，妻子则经常擅自大笔开销，一掷千金，尤其是在购买服装的问题上。回顾他们的财务记录，这对夫妻意识到：妻子大笔购物往往是在丈夫对其不太好之后。
克朗茨称，她是在潜意识里进行报复。她没有说“我感觉很受伤”，而是倍感孤独地离开，大笔采购让自己感觉好些。这是很常见的现象。
但让问题更复杂的是，克朗茨称，这位妻子长得很漂亮，丈夫也喜欢她看上去漂亮迷人。“当她穿得很漂亮时，丈夫会再次爱上她。这种循环使得妻子的采购行为不断得到加强。”克朗茨正在帮助这对夫妻理解这中间的循环。
当男女双方结婚时，他们往往会痛恨失去自主权。我们常常听到有人问：“为什么我花钱先要获得许可？我又不是小孩。”咨询网站DebtProofLiving.com的创办人玛莉?亨特(Mary Hunt)告诉夫妻双方应该给对方一个“成人额度”，即他们无需获得对方认可、即可随意支出的额度。这个额度可在考虑了家庭所有支出后确定下来。亨特和她的丈夫将这个额度定在了每月200美元。
亨特认为，夫妻双方婚前应互相告知信用状况，有助于及早发现是否有挥霍无度的情况。“这比血液检测更重要。这是个性参考报告。”婚后，夫妻双方应该定期坐下来交流一下自己在“额度”以外的支出情况。亨特建议夫妻双方应该在公共场所进行这样的谈话，这样他们吵架的可能性就低一些。
所有这些都可能是一项挑战，因为我们的文化纵容婚外支出。比如，如果酒品收藏者不希望自己的配偶知道他们买了多少昂贵的酒，就可以将自己的收藏放到专门存放酒品的地方去。信用卡帐单可能采用虚拟的商户名字，掩盖向招妓或赌博网站支付的费用。额外的收入可以换成商店礼品卡，这样即使你的配偶翻动钱包，卡上也没有数额标示。
还有很多人用一些不那么光明正大的方式掩盖自行支出。比如，有些人用签支票购买杂货，在支票上开一个较高的金额，然后从超市获得现金返还。“他们可以用这些钱修一次脚，”亨特说，“我将之称为洗钱。”后来支票到家后，配偶往往会认为支票金额全部用于购买杂货了。
亨特自述以前也在婚姻中扮演过此类可笑的角色。比如，她有一个私人的邮局信箱，这样丈夫就看不到帐单了。她会把缴款通知烧毁，将商品的标签扯下来，把新衣服先在衣柜里放一段时间，这样如果丈夫问起来，她就可以振振有词地说，这不是新衣服。到了1982年，她的负债额已达到了10万美元。她用了13年的时间才清偿了这些债务。现在，亨特说，如果你在欺骗对方，那么问问自己，如果配偶这样对你，你的感受如何？
克朗茨称，很多年前，他和妻子之间也有一个协定，即每个人每个月可以有150美元的任意支出，这些支出无需向对方告知用途。后来有一天，他在一家乐器店里看到了一把800美元的吉他，他很喜欢，就买下了。
他把吉他带回了家，并弹奏给妻子听。妻子觉得他弹得好极了，但之后还是问，“多少钱买的？”当他告诉妻子真实的价格时，妻子提到了双方的协定。
“是这样，”克朗茨说，“我没有遵守约定。我去退了它吧。”
“不，这没什么，”她答道，“你工作得很努力。你应该得到它。”
克朗茨留下了这把吉他，但从此就开始消极抵制双方的协定。他总是装得很无辜，赢得妻子的让步。
南达科他州Rapid City的理财顾问理查德?卡勒(Richard Kahler)经常和克朗茨一起为他人举行相关讲座。但直到本周，卡勒才了解到自己的妻子玛歇?威尔奇-卡勒(Marcia Welch-Kahler)自2004年以来每月都会偷偷支出30美元、资助一个不幸的印度女孩。
“我一直在犹豫为什么从不告诉丈夫这些，”威尔奇-卡勒表示，“我感觉这是我个人的事情。”
卡勒对此感觉很释然，他说，“有时，配偶一方的确需要一些自己的钱。”
