Let us mourn the demise of the mustard-coloured sin bin
Some people make smoking look easy, slipping cigarettes out of boxes, lighting them and enjoying them in cool, seamless movements, but I've never got the hang of it. The first time I tried a cigarette, I threw up. The second time - trying to look cool at a bar - I put a Marlboro Light into my mouth backwards and tried to light the filter. So when, this time last week, I walked into the staff smoking room for my first ever ciggy break, I did so with trepidation.
I hadn't realised the Financial Times had a smoking room on the sixth floor, tucked in a corner next to the staff canteen, but was alerted to its existence in relation to recent news reports confirming that smoking is to be outlawed in all workplaces in England from next summer.
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The workplace smoking ban is one of those issues I have been unable to make up my mind about. At various times I have been utterly convinced by reports written by non-smokers screaming at the top of their healthy lungs that companies should not condone such destructive behaviour among employees, and reports written by dedicated smokers, arguing until they are grey in the lung, that employees should be allowed to smoke three cigarettes at once in the workplace, if they so desire.
I felt similarly ambivalent about smoking as a teen. On the one hand,
I knew smoking increased the chances of dying an agonising death in a cancer ward, hacking up radioactive phlegm into an oxygen mask. But, on the other hand, it looked cool.
In the end, being unable to smoke with anything resembling dignity,
I didn't have to develop an opinion, but since I am now paid to have a point of view, I figured I should make my mind up about the smoking room ban. The best way of doing this, I thought, was actually to use one.
On entering, one thing was immediately apparent: the demise of the smoking room is certainly not going to be an aesthetic loss to the workplace. Behind the blinds, there were two white litter bins turned mustard yellow with use, two large mustard yellow extractor fans whirring ominously in the ceiling, a view of the car park through mustard-tinted glass, a woman from accounts gazing tremulously into the middle distance, and two men from the facilities department trying to remember, as far as I could gather, the lyrics to "Billie Jean".
Everyone was smoking cigarettes, and not cigars, which is what I had brought along, in an attempt to avoid the great vomiting episode of 1989. However, after the first drag,
I understood why cigarettes are so much more popular. While the average fag tastes like a sock on fire, the average cigar tastes even worse: like a used sock on fire. It was quite a task to marshal my facial expression into one conveying relaxation and, remembering not to inhale, to contemplate the matter at hand.
Unfortunately, after five minutes,
I was once again struck by massive ambivalence. On the one hand, it seemed only fair for employers to provide a room for smokers, many of whom just can't help themselves. On the other hand, it seemed ridiculous that businesses should supply facilities which help employees to kill themselves. On the one hand, smoking rooms seemed to serve a unique function in that they are truly classless - the only room in any office where everyone from the post girl to the chief executive can pass the time of day. But on the other hand, if the conversations I heard were anything to go by, the quality of this interaction is mostly of the have-you-got-a-light-mate variety.
It didn't help when I threw the topic out for discussion among fellow gaspers. They were all unhappy about the ban, but their arguments for retaining smoking rooms lacked rigour. One said smoking rooms should be retained because ciggy breaks were "a good way of getting away from the desk", seemingly unaware that there are ways of getting away from desks that don't involve smoking, and also that smokers will still be able to "get away from the desk" when smoking rooms are banned - although they will probably have to go outside.
Meanwhile, another smoker suggested smoking rooms should be preserved because "all the best people smoke". This is a common assertion, and one I have sympathy for, having been exposed to George Michael's video for "Father Figure" at all too impressionable an age. Indeed, I've never managed to shake off the feeling that smokers have more fun, more interesting conversations and, frankly, more sex, than non-smokers. However, a little research reveals that everyone who has ever made this claim has been a smoker, which surely renders it invalid.
Worryingly, as I approached a third cigar, still suppressing the urge to hack and cough and spit and throw up, I still hadn't developed an opinion on the ban on the sin bin - as the workplace smoking room is known across Britain. But halfway through it, my fingertips having turned mustard yellow, my jacket beginning to smell like Winston Churchill's ashtray, the back of my throat feeling like a brake pad, my conscience pricked by the knowledge that I was doing something that my mother would regard as the moral equivalent of converting to Islam and eating beef at the same time, I was hit by a revelation: smoking is truly a disgusting habit.
So disgusting, in fact, that non-smokers should never have to deal with its effects. In other words, instead of being sent to loiter in streets and entrance ways, as the daft smoking room ban will force smokers to do, smokers should be kept out of mind and out of view in an airless staff smoking room.
“受罚室”里去抽烟
有
些人让抽烟这种事显得十分容易，他们从烟盒里抖出烟，酷酷地点着并享受般吸上一口，其动作如行云流水，一气呵成。但我却从来没有掌握吸烟的门道。第一次尝试时，我呕吐了；第二次想在酒吧里装酷，我把一根万宝路前后颠倒着放到嘴里，试图点上滤嘴。所以，当我上周走进员工吸烟室，体验平生第一次吸烟小憩时，不禁有些心惊胆颤。
我以前从不知道《金融时报》(Financial Times)在6楼有一间吸烟室，隐藏在员工餐厅隔壁的角落里。我注意到它的存在与最近几则新闻报道有关。这些报道证实，从明年夏季开始，英国所有工作场所都将禁烟。
工作场所禁烟令是我无法判断是非的问题之一。一些不吸烟者写下报道，用他们健康肺部的最大力度发出呐喊，呼吁公司不该宽恕员工的此类有害行为。有好多次，我彻底被他们说服了。而烟瘾很重的人竭力辩解说（除非他们的肺部转为暗灰色），如果员工很想抽上一口的话，应当允许他们在工作场所一次抽三根。
十几岁时，我对吸烟持有矛盾心态。一方面，我知道吸烟会加大在癌症病房里痛苦死去的几率，期间还会不断往氧气面罩里咳出放射性的痰液。但另一方面，吸烟看上去很酷。
最终，由于无法以优雅的姿态抽烟，我无须对吸烟形成意见。但现在公司要我拿出观点，既然拿着工资，我觉得应当明确一下对吸烟室禁令的看法了。我认为，得出自己观点的最好途径，是真正地体验一下吸烟室。
一走进吸烟室，有一件事情立刻明显起来：吸烟室的消亡绝不会使工作场所丧失美感。百叶窗后面，有两个白色垃圾桶已变成芥末黄色，天花板上有两个巨大的芥末黄色排风扇在阴沉沉地转动，透过芥末黄色的玻璃窗可以看到停车场。客户部的一名女子畏缩地凝视着不远处，而设备部的两名男子（据我推测）正试图记起《Billie Jean》的歌词。
每人都在抽烟，但没人抽雪茄，那正是我带进去的东西――我试图避免1989年呕吐的情景。然而，在抽了一口之后，我就明白了为什么香烟要受欢迎得多。虽然普通香烟的味道像着火的袜子，但普通雪茄的味道更糟糕：像着火的旧袜子。做出一副怡然自得的面部表情，还要记着不要大口吸气，并思考手头的工作，这真是个艰巨的任务。
不幸的是，5分钟后我再次陷入巨大的矛盾之中。一方面，似乎只有让雇主提供一间吸烟室才算合理，很多吸烟者真的无法克制烟瘾；另一方面，让公司提供帮助员工自杀的设施似乎有些荒谬。一方面，吸烟室似乎有着独特的功能。这里不存在级别差异，也只有在这里，才能让从前台小姐到首席执行官的所有员工一同打发时光；但另一方面，如果我听到的交谈内容能够作为判断依据的话，那么这种互动的质量也就跟那种“朋友，借个火儿”式的交谈大同小异。
在烟友中抛出这个话题讨论对我也毫无帮助。他们都不支持禁烟，但他们保留吸烟室的论点并不严谨。其中一位烟友表示，应当保留吸烟室，因为吸烟小憩是“一种缓解工作压力的好方法”，但他似乎没有意识到，缓解工作压力还有别的方法，并不一定要抽烟。另外，即使取消吸烟室，吸烟者还是能“缓解工作压力”，尽管他们也许要到外面去抽。
此外，另一位吸烟者也建议应当保留吸烟室，理由是“优秀人士都抽烟”。这是一种很常见的观点，我也表示赞同。早在那个太容易受感染的年纪，乔治?迈克尔(George Michael)的音乐录影带《父亲的身影》(Father Figure)就给我留下了深刻的印象。的确，我从未能够摆脱这样一种感觉，即吸烟者比不吸烟者更有乐趣、言谈更风趣，（说实在话）性生活也更多。但一项小调查显示，说这话的人都是吸烟者，所以这种观点当然也就没有说服力了。
当我强忍着咳嗽、吐痰和呕吐的冲动，伸手去拿第三根雪茄时，我十分苦恼，仍然没有想好该不该支持取消“受罚室”(sin bin)――英国各地的工作场所吸烟室就是这么叫的。但当我抽了一半时，指尖已变成了芥末黄色，夹克开始散发出像温斯顿?丘吉尔(Winston Churchill)的烟灰缸般的味道，喉咙后面感觉就像刹车片一样，良心也受到了谴责。我知道，我的母亲会认为，我现在干的事跟皈依伊斯兰教并且吃牛肉在道德上没什么区别。一个神谕般的启示突然袭来：吸烟真的是一种令人讨厌的恶习。
事实上，这种习惯令人厌恶至极，实在没理由让不吸烟者承担它的后果。换句话说，吸烟者应当被赶出人们的脑海和视线，关到一个不通风的员工吸烟室中，而不是像愚蠢的吸烟室禁令一样，强迫吸烟者徘徊在街头和大门口。
