Loath to purge the urge to splurge
There are so many people to thank at the moment, I’m not sure of the best way to do it. A very good letter is always welcome but good letters require a great deal of flair, and flair isn’t always something you can muster to order.
If someone does you a lovely favour, or shows vast kindness at an unexpected juncture, the urge to splurge can be huge. Sometimes the need to convey one’s appreciation in material terms is almost a compulsion. One good turn deserves another, you think, and there are so many great things in the shops. But you do need to tread warily. Any gift bought in these circumstances must not be presented as some sort of payment for kind deeds, nor must it reveal that you regard the original favour as a debt to be discharged. You do not cancel out another’s help or thoughtfulness by rewarding it, and it is quite wrong if the present you choose suggests that “neither a borrower nor a lender be” is a maxim you apply to good turns.
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Even if you are cash-rich and time-poor, rewarding kindnesses with gifts may seem to the recipient a crashing collision of their thoughtfulness and your wallet. Meeting one sort of present with another can even appear competitive. It is slightly uncouth not to be able to receive without a knee-jerk reaction of giving back. There’s something too literal about it; it is a bit like not being able to accept a compliment: it shows low morale.
I once bought a large and luxurious, bubblegum-pink, leather-bound hardback notebook with a silver clasp, for example, to give a friend who had read and made many helpful suggestions for an early draft of my last novel. I was enormously grateful and thought the item would tickle her; it was where a princess might store her innermost thoughts. Yet although my friend agreed the present was delightful, it embarrassed her. I think it made her feel I was trying to pay her for something she had done freely, because she wanted to. She had not expected anything, she protested. “It’s too good to use,” she exclaimed. “What thoughts could be worthy of it?” I laughed but it was clear the gift had misfired. Unsought and not altogether wanted, that ritzy notebook was a mistake. The recipient was very, very, mildly insulted.
Still, the idea that thanking people with things can vex them is quite hard to swallow if you love to buy gifts, and I, for one, am loath to stop. This week I have been shopping for a thank-you present for a wonderful New York friend who has shown me kindness and generosity of late on a world-class scale. A colleague of his is passing through London this week, and will be dropping off another little treat for me. It’s the perfect opportunity to send something back. But what?
An extremely nice scarf can make a tender present for a gentleman, adding cool weather élan while guarding against grim winter colds. Remembering that Alexander McQueen did some large and lovely red and green tartan scarves with fluffy pompoms last winter, wondered if there was anything similar in the current collection. There was not. Yves Saint Laurent has a thick lilac cable knit scarf, but lilac is not a safe colour for a man.
“Get him a little Georgian silver salt cellar,” my neighbour said. “Well not that exactly, but something, you know, old, English and elegant.” A wander down Marylebone’s Church Street market, however, did not produce any such lucky finds. At Camden Passage antiques market nothing leapt out at me.
This morning, with only a few hours to go, I walked into Smythson. I had decided this was the right place for a gentleman’s gift. I examined travel document wallets and cufflink holders, personalised luggage labels and even a travelling case for watches. Then I spied a miniature, brown, snake-effect leather briefcase that opened out to reveal a letter set, writing surface, blotter and silver propelling pencil. It wasn’t the most useful thing in the world, but you could just imagine a dapper NY gent dashing off letters in the corner café while sipping a latte. And it would make a handsome addition to any desk at home, lending the owner a touch of the Cary Grants. I only hope I’ve got it right.
送礼之道
此
刻，我有许多人需要感谢，但却不知怎么做才最好。一封很好的信总是受欢迎的，但写那样的信需要许多天赋，而天赋并不总是召之即来的。
如果有人帮了你一个大忙，或是在意想不到的时候表现出巨大的善意，你可能会产生大笔花钱的强烈欲望。有时，以物质方式表达感激之情几乎是一种无法抑制的冲动。你认为应当礼尚往来，而且商店里又有那么多好东西。但你需要小心行事。在这些情况下送出购买的礼物时，一定不能显得像是对善举的报答，也一定不能表现出你把最初的帮助当作一笔需要偿清的债务。报答并不能抵偿别人给你的帮助或关心，如果你选择的礼物表明，“别借债，莫放债”是你用来回报善举的座右铭，那就大错特错了。
即便你有钱却没有时间，在接受者看来，用礼物回报善意，也像是他们的善意与你的钱包之间一次激烈的碰撞。用一种礼物回报另一种礼物甚至有竞争之嫌。在收到礼物时，必然下意识地想回赠礼物，这是有点俗。这样做有些过于实际；有点儿像是不能接受恭维：显得精神境界不够高。
例如，我曾经买过一本带银扣的粉色皮面豪华大硬皮笔记本，送给一位朋友。她在读了我上部小说的初稿后，提出了许多有益的建议。我非常感激，以为这个笔记本会让她高兴：一位公主或许可以把自己内心最深处的想法装在这个笔记本里。然而，尽管我的朋友同意，这是一件令人赏心悦目的礼物，但却使她很尴尬。我想，这件礼物使她觉得，我是在为她出于自己意愿而义务做的事支付报酬。她声明，她没有期待过任何回报。“这个笔记本太好了，让人舍不得用，”她大喊道。“什么样的想法值得你送这样的礼物？”我笑笑，但显然这份礼物没有达到预期效果。这个豪华笔记本既不是她所寻求的，也完全不是她想要的，这是一个错误。接受者深深受到了轻微的侮辱。
不过，如果你喜欢买礼物，那么可能很难接受用礼物表达谢意会惹恼别人的观点，我就不愿停手。本周，我一直在选购一份表达谢意的礼物，打算送给纽约的一位好朋友，他最近对我表示出的友好和慷慨达到了非同一般的水平。他的同事本周会路经伦敦，还会再小小地招待我一下。这是回赠的最佳时机。但是，送什么呢？
一条极好的围巾，可以作为送给绅士的关怀礼物，既能在凉爽的季节增添一些锐气，又可抵御冬日的严寒。记得亚历山大?麦克奎恩(Alexander McQueen)去年冬季曾设计出几款红绿格相间、带绒球的漂亮大围巾，不知道当季时装系列中是否有类似的东西。答案是没有。圣罗兰(Yves Saint Laurent)有一款淡紫色的编织厚围巾，但淡紫色不一定适合男性。
“送给他一个乔治时代的银制盐瓶，”我的邻居建议。“不一定非得是这个，而是那种，你知道，英格兰风格，古旧而雅致。”不过，在玛丽莱博恩(Marylebone)的教堂街市场逛了一圈后，我并没有任何幸运的发现。在坎登走廊(Camden Passage)的古董市场，也没有任何东西能入我的眼。
今天早晨，就在几个小时之前，我走进了Smythson商店。我认为这正是为绅士选购礼物的场所。我研究着旅行证件夹、袖扣包、个性化的行李标签，甚至还有旅行表盒。然后，我看见了一款小型的褐色蛇纹皮质公文包，打开后露出来的是信封、书写板、记事簿和银色的自动铅笔。这不是世界上最有用的东西，但你可以想象一下：在咖啡馆的角落里，一位衣冠楚楚的纽约绅士一边品啜着拿铁咖啡，一边飞快地写着信。此外，它也可以成为家里书桌上一个美丽的点缀，带给主人一点卡里?格兰特(Cary Grants)的味道。我只希望自己没有买错礼物。
