Knuckleheads and rapped knuckles
Let us hope that the world's bankers retain some of the seasonal spirit when they return to work today. For some reason, last year was remarkably bad tempered. In spite of the bumper profits, the flood of deals and the healthy bonuses, 2004 will be remembered more for public squabbling, personal abuse and general conduct unbecoming a banker.
The bad manners of some of Citigroup's executives in Japan made a rotten year even worse for the world's biggest bank.
When the Japanese financial regulator ordered the closure of Citigroup's private bank it cited repeated violations of banking rules. But it is a safe bet the severity of the punishment also had something to do with the “welcome” the regulators received when they turned up at Citi's offices for the annual audit.
Insiders say officials were consigned to a grim basement with no water and told in no uncertain terms that their rules were dumb. When they later went to the bathroom, they passed Citigroup bosses busily shredding documents.
No wonder Chuck Prince, Citigroup's chief executive, had to make a grovelling public apology, including the traditional bow of contrition.
In Europe, Citi's traders were accused of sharp practices in the government bond market. Regulators are still examining whether they broke any rules but Prince slammed those responsible as “knuckleheaded”.
The trade upset some European governments, who are important customers. A bit more bowing around the finance ministries of Europe may be in order.
Frères' fightAnother bank in danger of exhausting its clients' patience is Lazard. The Atlantic fissure there is between the investment bank's odd couple French patriarch Michel David-Weill and American head Bruce Wasserstein. Back in May, they could not even agree on whether the bank was making money. David-Weill sent a letter disputing the company's accounts and Wasserstein replied, saying this was nonsense and urging members to treat the letter with “grace, humour and tolerance”.
Civil war erupted when “Bid 'em up Bruce” proposed taking the firm public. The two finally reached an agreement under which Lazard would float by the end of 2005 or stay private. Although Lazard filed a prospectus last month, there is a suspicion that David-Weill would like to see the back of the plan and of Wasserstein.
End of the lineStill, the Europeans are quite capable of arguing with each other. At German icon Deutsche Bank, chief executive Josef Ackermann was the target of a coup attempt mounted by a member of the bank's supervisory board.
Ulrich Cartellieri, a traditionalist who wanted Deutsche to focus on the German market, made his move while Ackermann was distracted by the seven-month trial over payments during the takeover of Mannesmann, his old company. Tension between the two mounted when it emerged that Deutsche had held talks about a merger with Citigroup.
Ackermann was eventually acquitted of approving excessive takeover bonuses at the telecoms group and then engineered the ousting of Cartellieri, who had accused the chief executive of being “out of control”. He's back in control now.
Vulture cultureBack in Japan, the language was even stronger over the profits made in the flotation of Shinsei. The former Long Term Credit Bank was bought by a US venture consortium for $1.2bn in 2000, in what could prove one of the top private equity transactions of all time.
The investors sold a third of their shares for $2.4bn, which gave their remaining stake a market value of more than $10bn. The profits scandalised Japan, not least because of the huge windfalls that went to the individuals behind the deal Chris Flowers, a former Goldman Sachs banker, and Tim Collins, head of Ripplewood, a US buy-out group. Cue a book called The Day the Vulture Laughed, accusing Collins of waging a Christian crusade to take control of Japan. Still, Collins can handle it. He used to work at Lazards.
Big-time boardLast year's prize for plain speaking goes, however, to Ken Langone, ex-head of the compensation committee at the New York Stock Exchange. In May, New York state attorney-general Eliot Spitzer filed a suit against Dick Grasso, the NYSE's former chief executive, and Langone over Grasso's monster $140m payout. “I'm nuts, I'm rich, and boy, do I love a fight,” Langone told Fortune magazine.
He reserved special contempt for his former colleagues on the NYSE board, an august group headed by Hank Paulson of Goldman Sachs and Bill Harrison of JPMorgan Chase. He claims they knew what they were doing when they approved Grasso's package. “When I get through with these fucking captains of industry, they're going to wish they were in a Cuisinart at high speed.” If this one goes to trial, book your seats early.
Rough DimonThe hot favourite for this year's plain speaking award is Jamie Dimon. The wunderkind of US banking is now chief executive-in-waiting at JPMorgan Chase, having sold it Bank One, the Chicago bank he headed, for $58bn. On a conference call about the bank's third quarter figures, he described the performance as “terrible”.
There are also signs that Dimon has brought with him to the plush halls of JP Morgan the unforgiving approach to costs he learned at the side of Citigroup chairman Sandy Weill. Insiders say investment banking bonuses will be disappointing, having been “jamietized”.
Even more chilling was his warning at a recent gala dinner to mark the retirement of finance director Dina Dublon.
“Make the most of the open bar. It'll be the last,” he told staff. He was joking, of course. They think.
犯傻、吵架和投行主管
假期结束了，世界各地的银行家们重返工作岗位，希望他们带回一些节日的气氛。不知为何缘故，去年他们的脾气显得特别的乖张。今年尽管利润丰厚，交易频仍，奖金充裕，但2004年给人的印象是充满了公开斗嘴、人身攻击以及与银行家身份极不相符的行为。
花旗集团（Citigroup）今年本来就够倒霉的了，加上这家全球最大银行的一些驻日本高管们举止不端，使得这一年雪上加霜。
日本金融监管机构以花旗屡次违反银行业规定为由，责令其关闭在日本的私人银行业务。可以有把握地说，惩罚之所以如此严重，也与监管者来到花旗办事处进行年度审计时所受到的“欢迎”有关。
据知情者透露，监管人员被安排到一间阴森的地下室里，水也没让喝，而且还被明确无误地告知，他们的规定很愚蠢。当他们后来上洗手间时，在途中发现花旗集团的老总们忙着销毁文件。
难怪花旗集团的首席执行官查克?普林斯（Chuck Prince）被迫低声下气地公开道歉，还行了个日本传统的鞠躬礼，以示悔悟。
在欧洲，花旗交易员被控在政府债券市场中有欺诈行为。监管部门仍在审查他们是否违反了规定，但普林斯严厉斥责了那些负有责任的人，称他们是“傻蛋”。
这些交易行为使一些欧洲国家的政府很不高兴，而这些政府都是花旗的重要客户。花旗可能还要在欧洲一些国家的财政部里鞠上几个躬。
兄弟内讧
另一家有可能耗尽客户耐心的银行是拉扎尔兄弟公司（Lazard）。这家投资银行的一对当家人是个古怪的组合，董事长是法国人米歇尔?戴维-韦尔（Michel David-Weill），首席执行官是美国人布鲁斯?瓦瑟斯坦（Bruce Wasserstein），两人之间就像隔着大西洋，分歧很大。今年5月，他们甚至在银行是否赢利一事上都无法达成共识。戴维-韦尔发出一封信，质疑公司的帐目。瓦瑟斯坦回复说这是胡扯，并敦促董事会成员以“优雅、幽默和宽容之心”来对待这封信。
当绰号“哄抬老手布鲁斯”（Bid ‘em up Bruce）的瓦瑟斯坦提议让公司上市时，“内战”爆发了。两人最终达成一份协议。根据协议，拉扎尔将在2005年年底前上市或仍保持私有。尽管拉扎尔已于上月提交了招股说明书，但人们猜测，戴维-韦尔巴不得这个计划失败，并赶跑瓦瑟斯坦。
绝地反击
尽管如此，欧洲人在舌战上很有能耐。在德国地位显赫的德意志银行（Deutsche Bank），首席执行官约瑟夫?阿克曼（Josef Ackermann）成了一场政变的攻击目标，该政变的发起人是银行监事会成员乌尔里希?卡尔泰列里（Ulrich Cartellieri）。
卡尔泰列里是个传统派人士，他希望德意志银行注重德国市场，于是趁着阿克曼受到为期7个月的法庭审讯缠绕而无暇它顾之际采取了行动。阿克曼是因曼内斯曼（Mannesmann）收购案期间的报酬问题而受审，他以前曾在曼内斯曼任职。当有消息传出说，德意志银行与花旗集团进行过合并谈判时，两人之间的紧张关系也随之升级。
阿克曼被指批准发放过高的奖金给曼内斯曼电信公司高管，但他最终被判无罪。随后他策划了一场行动，将卡尔泰列里赶走。卡泰列里曾指控这位首席执行官已经“失控”。不用说，眼下他又重新控制了公司。
秃鹫式掠夺文化
回头来说日本，对于通过新生银行（Shinsei）上市而牟利一事，舆论抨击更为激烈。这家银行的前身是长期信用银行（Long Term Credit Bank），后于2000年以12亿美元的作价被美国一家风险资本财团收购。这可能是历史上最大的私人股本交易之一。
这些投资者再以24亿美元的价格，将手中三分之一的股票（上市）出售，令他们剩余股份的市值超过100亿美元。这样的利润使日本感到震惊，其中非常重要的原因是，这笔巨额横财已流向该交易背后的一些人物，如高盛（Goldman Sachs）前银行家克里斯?弗劳尔斯（Chris Flowers）和美国收购集团Ripplewood的负责人蒂姆?科林斯（Tim Collins）。于是有一本名为《秃鹫大笑之日》（The Day the Vulture Laughed）的书出台，该书指控科林斯发起了一场基督徒十字军东征，企图控制日本。不过，科林斯对此应能应付裕如，毕竟他曾在拉扎尔任过职。
盛极一时的董事会
但是，获得去年直言不讳大奖的是纽约证交所薪酬委员会前领导人肯?兰贡（Ken Langone）。今年5月，纽约州总检察长艾略特?斯皮策（Eliot Spitzer）就纽交所前首席执行官迪克?格拉索（Dick Grasso）1.4亿美元巨额薪酬的问题，对格拉索和兰贡提出指控。兰贡对《财富》杂志说：“我是傻蛋！我有钱，我还喜欢跟人干上一仗。”
他特别瞧不起以前在纽交所董事会的同事们，这个董事会由一些令人敬畏的人士组成，并由高盛的汉克?保尔森（Hank Paulson）和摩根大通（JPMorgan Chase）的比尔?哈里森（Bill Harrison）领衔。兰贡声称，在批准格拉索的薪酬计划时，这些人很清楚自己在做什么。“等我跟这帮业界狗屁领袖了结这事儿后，他们一定希望，还不如钻进高速旋转的食物搅拌器里好。”要是这个案子开审，记得早点订个座位。
说话带刺的迪蒙
至于今年直言不讳大奖的热门人选则是杰米?迪蒙（Jamie Dimon）。这位美国银行界神童现在是摩根大通的候任首席执行官，他把位于芝加哥的美国第一银行（Bank One）作价580亿美元卖给了摩根大通。他曾是第一银行的老板。在发布第一银行第三季度财务结果的电话会议上，迪蒙形容该银行业绩“一塌糊涂”。
另外还有迹象显示，迪蒙在进入摩根大通豪华殿堂的同时，把他毫不留情的削减成本手段也带了过去，这是他从花旗集团董事长桑迪?威尔（Sandy Weill）那里学来的。内部人士说，投行业务的奖金将令人失望，并且已经完全“杰米化了”。
在近期欢送财务总监迪娜?杜伯伦（Dina Dublon）退休的晚宴上，他的警告更令人心寒：
“开怀畅饮吧，这是最后一次了，”他对员工们说。大家猜想，他当然是在开玩笑吧！
